Ah yes, the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel".It's been a while since I bombed my blog, but it's time I added a new post and the timing couldn't be better as you'll see.
Anyone that's been following my blog, or knows me in real life will have a good account of my personal affairs as of late and what's all been going on. For those that haven't been paying attention, I'd recommend perusing some of my earlier entries to get a handle on things.
Of course, I'll start this at the ending and not the beginning. Recently, several events have altered my life in some pretty radical ways...some good and some bad and some undetermined yet. I'll focus on the very recent events that have me depressed in a state that I haven't seen for quite some time.
Depression and I travel hand in hand for the most part, but it's under control so I don't lose my head and try to off myself again. Lately though, I'm beginning to wonder what the Hell is going on around me and this is causing my depression to resurface. Beyond just the scrambling to pay bills and keep a roof over my head...this will just concern women in my world.
Melanie. I finally had my fill of being kept at arm's length with her and decided that enough was enough. A couple weeks back I chose to cut my ties with her and the thought of what may be between us. I can't call her a liar per se, and can't say that she had any specific malicious intent with her actions (or inactions moreso)...but I will say that even after all the years that passed - she changed, but at her core she was still exactly who she was so many years ago. Indecisive being the worst trait of hers. In the end it was that indecisiveness that cost her any chance at me and quite possibly being truly happy for the first time in a long time.
Yea, that sounds big of me and quite arrogant...but those around me know that for what it's worth, I'm as dependable as a puppy when it comes to relationships. I don't lie, cheat or steal. I don't abuse and I hope for the best at all times. I want smiles and love, not apathy and resentment. So pound for pound, I'm a keeper and I know it. So of course I'll toot my own horn. Compared to her track record of men in her wake, I'd really be the King amongst the paupers.
But she'll never get to see that first hand beyond the words and the time spent. She had her chance with me and wasted it. Again.
I ignored the pleas and cautions of my people when it came to Melanie. They were all on me about how she was using me as a muse more than anything, and that despite what I wanted to believe - there was not gonna be a happy ending for her and I no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted one. I didn't listen. I told them the classic "You don't understand" line. Yes, indeed I allowed myself to be blinded by passion. Blinded by my desire to attain some semblance of happiness for myself too. Hers was a love I had kept to myself for 15+ years, and it was as close to the love I had with my ex fiancé as anyone will ever get. I wanted it to be more than it was, but she wouldn't let me in.
And so, another cliché...it's her loss, not mine.
But wait...did I mention my ex fiancé? Yes I did too. And how fitting, seeing as how she's also a big part of this madness I'm facing right now.
See...almost 3 years ago my ex fiancé and I parted ways after 6 years together (and naturally shortly after that 6 year milestone to be precise...). For 90% of those years we were happy and living beyond dreams together. The world changed, and for my part I allowed stupid and rash impulses to dictate my responses to her and how I acted around her...and in the end I guess she just had enough too. That was my loss as much as it was hers. She hurt too, count on it. The things we said to each other before we parted ways told me how much.
Anyways...in the last 3 years I have tried very hard to move past that part of my life because for a full year after the impact I clung to it like a security blanket. I didn't want to move on. I said repeatedly that I was, or that I would...but underneath it all I wouldn't allow myself to let her go. I couldn't accept that she was gone and knew that if I moved on that would surely mean that I have let go. The pain was unbearable.
But I tried. Valiantly I must add. Culminated in a 7 month fling with an old friend from my past, and for what that's worth - it was all good. She helped me heal a bit and helped me remember that I am a man afterall. She helped me regain a lot of my lost self esteem and confidence. Wouldn't you know it though, through the first half of that I still threw my ex in the air and said that I had to resolve things with her first before I could truly move on. Add Melanie to that mix and it was getting convoluted. Yea, this all happened at once. Wanted my ex back, had Melanie in my life and things were being exposed that I hadn't anticipated, and then this fling as well.
What can I say...I multitask well. *snicker*
That all led to me finding some manner of resolve with my ex, me dumping my fling like a hot rock, and electing to concentrate solely on Melanie. I gambled that Melanie would be able to bring me close to the happiness I could've had with my ex, and my bed buddy couldn't achieve. Not to her detriment though...she was willing to bend over backwards for me, but ultimately there were too many roosters in her hen house. Melanie was to be my champion and bring me out of the funk I was in.
And for the longest time...it seemed to be going so well too. I was dedicated to her 100%, and all was well in my world. But deep down, much like it was when I was with my ex thinking about Melanie...now I was with Melanie thinking about my ex. Now I had 2 loves battling again, and just like before one was here and one was lost. This was my own Groundhog Day.
So fast forward a little and get near the end of the relationship with Melanie. Things with her and I were coming to a grinding halt, and this is when I went back to the old friend for comfort. Add a new element of extreme insatiability to the fold which I usually only get during the winter months, and this gets complicated. I end it with Melanie and call it quits after devoting nearly 2 years of my life to the pursuit...only to end up back in bed with my old friend.
But still thinking about my ex.
Then the old friend gets hooked up with a new beau, so I'm back on the sidelines and for the first time in 3 years I found myself truly single again. Odd experience to be sure. I kept myself away from women altogether for a full year after we split, and here I was again at that same crossroad.
And so, with Fate walking in on cue...who should I see right outta the blue?
The ex.
Now by "see", I mean that I logged into my Facebook after fixing a buddy's computer and there she was on my page large as life as a friend suggestion. I damn near had a heart attack. This is only newsworthy because in all the time we were together, she insisted that she'd never join (as did I), and in the near 3 years we've been apart she hadn't joined yet...but how odd that shortly after I end things with Melanie, and my old friend finds herself a chance at a meaningful relationship...my ex should reappear out of the woodwork.
You have to laugh at the delicious irony of this all seeing as how this is how Melanie and I got hooked back up after so long an absence. Now that Melanie was gone, there's my ex.
No one has made contact, and I'm not sure if anyone will...but I am one who doesn't believe in coincidence and that anything "just happens". If the ex had joined Facebook say a year ago, this wouldn't have mattered...but so shortly after I end things with Melanie, and my old bed buddy is no longer available there she is? Yea, I don't buy the coincidence thing at all...the timing is too exact.
This is little more than Fate fucking with me again.
Interesting enough, it all caught me so hard that I spoke with Ash about this, and he's my closest confidante and I explained that no, we hadn't spoken to each other but she's now on there as am I...and knowing her as well as I do, or did, I suggested that there'd be ONLY one of a few reasons that she would've joined. A) she is bored beyond reality, B) she has relationship issues or has broken up with her new fiancé (yes, she listed herself as engaged again), or C) she wants to send invites to her wedding and possibly post pics for all to see at the conclusion.
My gut went immediately for the most likely answer...she was single or damn near.
And sonofabitch if I wasn't right. I guess I still know her as good as I once did.
On the surface it would appear that there's relationship issues afoot in her life, and that brought on a mixed bag of emotions for me. Naturally the egoist in me laughed like Hell because that would mean that I'd still be the reigning champion in her life as far as tenure for relationships go...we had 6 years and this new guy had less than 3, so I'm still the King in that arena. The predator in me wanted to immediately send her a phantom and random message to try and rekindle the flame. The purist in me was devastated that she had successfully rebounded from me and seemed very happy the last time I saw her (yes I still remember the exact date), only to end up in abject ruin again with me wanting nothing but the best and the most happiness for her. The sadist in me laughs even harder that she rebounded and fell flat on her face, which means that really all she did was waste even more time with her life when she coulda just been with me and we coulda struggled to make shit work again.
So here I am sitting here with all these mixed emotions now. A civil war to end all civil wars rages in my mind that beats all the ones that came before it. I'm trying to sort them out as best I can too. Too many voices and screams in my mind right now though to make any real sense of it all. I have my mind and my heart locked in yet another battle for the mountaintop. Melanie is a love I put back on the shelf, and I do wish her well too. My old friend deserves to be happy despite making a lot of bad choices in her life with men, so I'm happy that she has a chance to move on herself. And a love I wanted more than anything is now back in my world in her own way, at least superficially...and I don't know if there's anything to it other than Fate just jabbin' me in the eye with a fork and then pissin' in the wound.
I asked myself though, if I had one opportunity with either of them...where would my heart reside? With a no strings attached but sexually charged friend? With Melanie, a love I held on to and had a chance to let off the chain? Or a love I held on to when I had little reason to do so?
I had an answer, but couldn't hear it over the bickering in my mind. So I'll have to wait for that to die down a bit before I can actually hear my answer. I'll say that if I had the chance and a guarantee that it would be actioned...I'd gladly reunite with my ex fiancé. Best 6 years of my life were with her, and I'll never deny that.
But that would mean that I'd have to tell my Momma she was right and I don't know if I could do that. Eat THAT much humble pie in one sitting. See, Momma said shortly after her and I split that forever gets shorter and shorter every day. Nothing is really forever she said. She mentioned a similar situation we both knew of and reminded me of it...where they were happy and content, and broke up...years had passed and engagements broken...only to stumble into each other again years later and pick up where they left off. Now they're married with children. She said that there may come a time when one of us gravitates into the other's world and things change for the better all over again. She said it'd be unexpected and random if it did happen.
And if this is it...would I be able to say she was right? Or would I refuse to let her have that little "I told ya so" moment out of stubborn pride?
All I know is that I'm into a state of madness right now, and don't know up from down at the moment. All I can do is believe that everything happens for a reason, and IF there's more to this than meets the eye...IF this is more than just superficial and Fate pokin' me in the eye...then it was supposed to be that way all along.
Time will tell me what I need to know, when I need to. Until then, I have to listen to this bickering.
