A civil war without end?

Ah yes, the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel".

It's been a while since I bombed my blog, but it's time I added a new post and the timing couldn't be better as you'll see.

Anyone that's been following my blog, or knows me in real life will have a good account of my personal affairs as of late and what's all been going on. For those that haven't been paying attention, I'd recommend perusing some of my earlier entries to get a handle on things.

Of course, I'll start this at the ending and not the beginning. Recently, several events have altered my life in some pretty radical ways...some good and some bad and some undetermined yet. I'll focus on the very recent events that have me depressed in a state that I haven't seen for quite some time.

Depression and I travel hand in hand for the most part, but it's under control so I don't lose my head and try to off myself again. Lately though, I'm beginning to wonder what the Hell is going on around me and this is causing my depression to resurface. Beyond just the scrambling to pay bills and keep a roof over my head...this will just concern women in my world.

Melanie. I finally had my fill of being kept at arm's length with her and decided that enough was enough. A couple weeks back I chose to cut my ties with her and the thought of what may be between us. I can't call her a liar per se, and can't say that she had any specific malicious intent with her actions (or inactions moreso)...but I will say that even after all the years that passed - she changed, but at her core she was still exactly who she was so many years ago. Indecisive being the worst trait of hers. In the end it was that indecisiveness that cost her any chance at me and quite possibly being truly happy for the first time in a long time.

Yea, that sounds big of me and quite arrogant...but those around me know that for what it's worth, I'm as dependable as a puppy when it comes to relationships. I don't lie, cheat or steal. I don't abuse and I hope for the best at all times. I want smiles and love, not apathy and resentment. So pound for pound, I'm a keeper and I know it. So of course I'll toot my own horn. Compared to her track record of men in her wake, I'd really be the King amongst the paupers.

But she'll never get to see that first hand beyond the words and the time spent. She had her chance with me and wasted it. Again.

I ignored the pleas and cautions of my people when it came to Melanie. They were all on me about how she was using me as a muse more than anything, and that despite what I wanted to believe - there was not gonna be a happy ending for her and I no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted one. I didn't listen. I told them the classic "You don't understand" line. Yes, indeed I allowed myself to be blinded by passion. Blinded by my desire to attain some semblance of happiness for myself too. Hers was a love I had kept to myself for 15+ years, and it was as close to the love I had with my ex fiancé as anyone will ever get. I wanted it to be more than it was, but she wouldn't let me in.

And so, another cliché...it's her loss, not mine.

But wait...did I mention my ex fiancé? Yes I did too. And how fitting, seeing as how she's also a big part of this madness I'm facing right now.

See...almost 3 years ago my ex fiancé and I parted ways after 6 years together (and naturally shortly after that 6 year milestone to be precise...). For 90% of those years we were happy and living beyond dreams together. The world changed, and for my part I allowed stupid and rash impulses to dictate my responses to her and how I acted around her...and in the end I guess she just had enough too. That was my loss as much as it was hers. She hurt too, count on it. The things we said to each other before we parted ways told me how much.

Anyways...in the last 3 years I have tried very hard to move past that part of my life because for a full year after the impact I clung to it like a security blanket. I didn't want to move on. I said repeatedly that I was, or that I would...but underneath it all I wouldn't allow myself to let her go. I couldn't accept that she was gone and knew that if I moved on that would surely mean that I have let go. The pain was unbearable.

But I tried. Valiantly I must add. Culminated in a 7 month fling with an old friend from my past, and for what that's worth - it was all good. She helped me heal a bit and helped me remember that I am a man afterall. She helped me regain a lot of my lost self esteem and confidence. Wouldn't you know it though, through the first half of that I still threw my ex in the air and said that I had to resolve things with her first before I could truly move on. Add Melanie to that mix and it was getting convoluted. Yea, this all happened at once. Wanted my ex back, had Melanie in my life and things were being exposed that I hadn't anticipated, and then this fling as well.

What can I say...I multitask well. *snicker*

That all led to me finding some manner of resolve with my ex, me dumping my fling like a hot rock, and electing to concentrate solely on Melanie. I gambled that Melanie would be able to bring me close to the happiness I could've had with my ex, and my bed buddy couldn't achieve. Not to her detriment though...she was willing to bend over backwards for me, but ultimately there were too many roosters in her hen house. Melanie was to be my champion and bring me out of the funk I was in.

And for the longest time...it seemed to be going so well too. I was dedicated to her 100%, and all was well in my world. But deep down, much like it was when I was with my ex thinking about Melanie...now I was with Melanie thinking about my ex. Now I had 2 loves battling again, and just like before one was here and one was lost. This was my own Groundhog Day.

So fast forward a little and get near the end of the relationship with Melanie. Things with her and I were coming to a grinding halt, and this is when I went back to the old friend for comfort. Add a new element of extreme insatiability to the fold which I usually only get during the winter months, and this gets complicated. I end it with Melanie and call it quits after devoting nearly 2 years of my life to the pursuit...only to end up back in bed with my old friend.

But still thinking about my ex.

Then the old friend gets hooked up with a new beau, so I'm back on the sidelines and for the first time in 3 years I found myself truly single again. Odd experience to be sure. I kept myself away from women altogether for a full year after we split, and here I was again at that same crossroad.

And so, with Fate walking in on cue...who should I see right outta the blue?

The ex.

Now by "see", I mean that I logged into my Facebook after fixing a buddy's computer and there she was on my page large as life as a friend suggestion. I damn near had a heart attack. This is only newsworthy because in all the time we were together, she insisted that she'd never join (as did I), and in the near 3 years we've been apart she hadn't joined yet...but how odd that shortly after I end things with Melanie, and my old friend finds herself a chance at a meaningful relationship...my ex should reappear out of the woodwork.

You have to laugh at the delicious irony of this all seeing as how this is how Melanie and I got hooked back up after so long an absence. Now that Melanie was gone, there's my ex.

No one has made contact, and I'm not sure if anyone will...but I am one who doesn't believe in coincidence and that anything "just happens". If the ex had joined Facebook say a year ago, this wouldn't have mattered...but so shortly after I end things with Melanie, and my old bed buddy is no longer available there she is? Yea, I don't buy the coincidence thing at all...the timing is too exact.

This is little more than Fate fucking with me again.

Interesting enough, it all caught me so hard that I spoke with Ash about this, and he's my closest confidante and I explained that no, we hadn't spoken to each other but she's now on there as am I...and knowing her as well as I do, or did, I suggested that there'd be ONLY one of a few reasons that she would've joined. A) she is bored beyond reality, B) she has relationship issues or has broken up with her new fiancé (yes, she listed herself as engaged again), or C) she wants to send invites to her wedding and possibly post pics for all to see at the conclusion.

My gut went immediately for the most likely answer...she was single or damn near.

And sonofabitch if I wasn't right. I guess I still know her as good as I once did.

On the surface it would appear that there's relationship issues afoot in her life, and that brought on a mixed bag of emotions for me. Naturally the egoist in me laughed like Hell because that would mean that I'd still be the reigning champion in her life as far as tenure for relationships go...we had 6 years and this new guy had less than 3, so I'm still the King in that arena. The predator in me wanted to immediately send her a phantom and random message to try and rekindle the flame. The purist in me was devastated that she had successfully rebounded from me and seemed very happy the last time I saw her (yes I still remember the exact date), only to end up in abject ruin again with me wanting nothing but the best and the most happiness for her. The sadist in me laughs even harder that she rebounded and fell flat on her face, which means that really all she did was waste even more time with her life when she coulda just been with me and we coulda struggled to make shit work again.

So here I am sitting here with all these mixed emotions now. A civil war to end all civil wars rages in my mind that beats all the ones that came before it. I'm trying to sort them out as best I can too. Too many voices and screams in my mind right now though to make any real sense of it all. I have my mind and my heart locked in yet another battle for the mountaintop. Melanie is a love I put back on the shelf, and I do wish her well too. My old friend deserves to be happy despite making a lot of bad choices in her life with men, so I'm happy that she has a chance to move on herself. And a love I wanted more than anything is now back in my world in her own way, at least superficially...and I don't know if there's anything to it other than Fate just jabbin' me in the eye with a fork and then pissin' in the wound.

I asked myself though, if I had one opportunity with either of them...where would my heart reside? With a no strings attached but sexually charged friend? With Melanie, a love I held on to and had a chance to let off the chain? Or a love I held on to when I had little reason to do so?

I had an answer, but couldn't hear it over the bickering in my mind. So I'll have to wait for that to die down a bit before I can actually hear my answer. I'll say that if I had the chance and a guarantee that it would be actioned...I'd gladly reunite with my ex fiancé. Best 6 years of my life were with her, and I'll never deny that.

But that would mean that I'd have to tell my Momma she was right and I don't know if I could do that. Eat THAT much humble pie in one sitting. See, Momma said shortly after her and I split that forever gets shorter and shorter every day. Nothing is really forever she said. She mentioned a similar situation we both knew of and reminded me of it...where they were happy and content, and broke up...years had passed and engagements broken...only to stumble into each other again years later and pick up where they left off. Now they're married with children. She said that there may come a time when one of us gravitates into the other's world and things change for the better all over again. She said it'd be unexpected and random if it did happen.

And if this is it...would I be able to say she was right? Or would I refuse to let her have that little "I told ya so" moment out of stubborn pride?

All I know is that I'm into a state of madness right now, and don't know up from down at the moment. All I can do is believe that everything happens for a reason, and IF there's more to this than meets the eye...IF this is more than just superficial and Fate pokin' me in the eye...then it was supposed to be that way all along.

Time will tell me what I need to know, when I need to. Until then, I have to listen to this bickering.

Torn apart...

So back on March 21st, I blogged about the situation between my girl and I.  Seems that things were spiralling outta control and I had it figured that her and I were about to implode.  I was so certain of it that I thought I had it all figured out.  All the pieces fit, and all the scenario portions played out as one would expect...

That was, until about 3 weeks ago or so.

Then it all changed.  And now here I am, all torn up about what to think and what to believe and askin' myself where I go from here?

See, as of that writing I was convinced we were done...or heading down that road and it was just a matter of gettin' the "final word" delivered.  I waited over the Easter weekend, when I knew she was in town, and no word came.  According to the email I sent her I explained that if she decided that I wasn't a priority to her and/or she didn't see me in her future, then don't bother calling or dropping by...silence would tell me everything I needed to know.  So very, VERY similar to when my ex fiancé split up with me.

I heard not a word.  Not a peep.  No email, no call, no nothing.  So I assumed that meant that we had imploded.

Having already braced myself for that possibility as I had done in the past, it came and it went with barely a whimper.  When the weekend and visit were done, and no word had come in, that was all I needed to know.  So I took it to mean we were finished.  There was obviously nothing more to say.  From that day forward, I lived a life in the belief that I was now back on the market and freshly dumped.

Some 6 or 7 weeks later, and I'm tellin' ya...right outta the blue...I get this instant message from her tellin' me how excited she is that she will be in town again permanently soon, and how eager she is to see me.  Tellin' me that she misses me soooooo much and can't wait to see me again.

Ok...well what the FUCK?!

I played along and kept things very simple.  Very non-relationship like.  I told her that she seems happy, seems impressed, and seems eager and that was nice to see.  Told her in an offhand way that I was excited for her.  Didn't really lead into just how much I'd have enjoyed seeing her too.  Because now I was beyond confused.  I had just lived the past several weeks under the guise that I was single again and she was done with me.  Then this happens.  Suddenly there I was, second guessing myself.  And anyone that knows me knows that I FUCKIN' HATE THAT!

Grr and stuff...

No matter I thought to myself...maybe she's just playing me.  Playing some game.  Twisting me around like a sheet in the wind and watchin' me squirm.  Well I didn't wanna give her the satisfaction.  I played along as best I could and left it at that.  I went back to the being single thing after that chat.

Until the next instant message came in.  Only this one seemed far more excited than the last one.  Again talkin' about how excited she is, and how she can't wait to see me.  Now I was really startin' to feel ripped apart.  Torn.  Not only was I second guessing myself AGAIN but now I was hardcore into it.  Now I was beginning to wonder if all this time I had it wrong, and there was just a serious miscommunication involved.  I ended up being very mad at that point.  I don't mind being wrong, and if I am I will admit it...but if I make a decision and take a stand based on evidence at my disposal, and it turns out that the evidence didn't support the facts...then I get mad because now I realize that I made the wrong stand.

Being wrong is one thing.  Being wrong about critical matters (especially those of the heart) really fuck with people's minds and spirits.

I was no longer just playing along.  I felt for the first time in weeks...a reconnection aspect.  A re-bonding of sorts.  She hadn't really been that far removed from my heart anyways, and the wounds were still fresh in their own right...so it wasn't completely unexpected.  I was beginning to get just as excited as her, and this time I let her know it directly.  Telling her that I too can't wait to get a chance to see her again...after all this time, and all the gaffes, maybe things were starting to go the direction they were suppoosed to all along.

And she gets to town.  The day arrived.  I was super excited.  Left her messages and she was at the airport.  Told her to have a good and safe flight, and call me when she had the chance.  Then silence.

Yea, she went all quiet again.  Wasn't online, wasn't answering her emails, and no calls or contact from her.  Back to square one I thought to myself...she had played me was all I could think.  So I waited.  I didn't want to appear too eager afterall.  Finally after almost 2 weeks in the City with no word from her, I sent her a message asking if she'd be around on the weekend 'cause I wanted to call her.  She replied.  Said to call anytime.  Now I was excited again.  Told her that I'd call and that I missed her.

I called.  She didn't answer.  I left a message and heard nothing back.

Torn didn't even begin to describe it now.  I felt as though I was now being ripped in half...one part of me trying desperately to rid myself of her and leave her in the past...one part of me desperately clinging to hope...

In around this time I had a friend from Australia do a quick (and unsolicited) Tarot reading for me...she informed me that her and I would indeed get together again, and there would be magic involved, but there was an element of communication failures (well DUH) and some other things too...so it gave me a dose of optimism that wasn't there fully before.  My Cards had told me similar though not near as detailed as her reading.  So maybe I was just getting myself in over my head and making things up as I went along to try and provide my heart a reason to leave.  Reading WAY too much into events and situations to try and help my heart move forward.

Then she called.  She called me.

I'd like to say that it was a flowery and emotion filled conversation, but it wasn't.  It was SO nice to be able to talk to her LIVE for more than just 5 minutes...but as excited as I was, I tempered it with restraint.  I didn't wanna push.  I didn't wanna start droppin' bombs on her.  We talked for more than an hour and it was almost like we were back in 1997...talkin' away about all kinds of things, but that emotional barrier up between us.  It was all I could do to stop myself from just breakin' down and telling her directly how much I still miss her, want to be with her, and how much I love her.  If I bit my tongue any harder, it woulda been clean off.

She indicated that she would call again, and I agreed of course.  I even sent her some info on a situation she wanted to research...just keeping it very docile for now.  But inside, I'm dying because I know what I wanna say, and I know what I wanna do...but I feel so torn over this whole thing.  Naturally, I'm leaning towards a situation where her and I would just pick up where we left off in 1997 and we'd be doing the friends thing all over again...that's where my head is at.  The last friendly chat we had seeming a little too heavy on the friendly tone.  My heart says one thing, and my head says another...

Torn.  Yep.  Livin' that life right now.  More questions than answers.  I guess the next little while will be very informative on just how my life with her (if any) is gonna unfold.

I pick the best times to be patient and curious don't I?

~sigh~

Fearless?

So this thought has been hangin' around in my head for a couple days now. Someone remarked that they saw a scrawl on a sidewalk that read "Only the fearless are harmless" I had to think about the logic behind it, and on paper I suppose one could argue that it seems plausible.

But I think it's a load of shit. Completely baseless. Like building a castle on quicksand.

It's "fortune cookie" logic at best.

So in essence, what it meant was, if you are without fear then you will never come to harm. You can't be harmed (by implied definition). Now tell me, who in their right mind would ever fall for a line of shit like that? I can almost expect to see a few head bobbers out there that like to parade around like they're all fearless and badass and stuff...but I can see right through you. You're all almost translucent. So you think that because you walk around all fearless that means you're bulletproof too? Invulnerable? Unbreakable?

Tell ya what...c'mere and meet me out back behind the woodshed...I'll put your invincibility, invulnerability and unbreakability to the test personally. I won't even bring the Louisville. I'll bet you every dollar I'll ever make in my life I WILL break you.

And you'll feel fear then. Trust me.

See, I've been dead twice already...clinically. So I've seen death first hand and no longer fear it the way most would. I would die for a purpose if needed and put myself in harm's way for a purpose...a point...another life perhaps. Is that because I'm invincible now? Nope. I've been there already and you haven't, so who has the most to lose when we meet behind the woodshed?

Me...or you?

So think about that.

As for me, does this mean *I* am fearless now? HELL NO. I may not fear death the way most do based on personal experience, but am I afraid of things? You're damn right I am. I'm afraid of a LOT of things. I can walk around with a shopping list of things I fear, and I'll probably find more things to fear as I walk around. Someone told me once that fear is just False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear they said, is fallacy. Fear they claimed, is all in the mind and can be overcome. Fear they said, prevents us from living our lives.

Yep...I hit the brakes right about there too.

Stops me from living my life now does it? Really? That's funny, 'cause the last time I checked I still didn't have a criminal record. Yea, I'll just cite that example. No criminal record to speak of. Never been arrested or charged or done a day in juvie or remand let alone jail. And WHY you ask?

Fear.

Whether it's a mugging, or a beating, or a drug deal, or a theft, or worse...FEAR of being caught and doing time for it is what prevented me, and will always prevent me from a criminal record. A criminal record harms you in ways you can't possibly imagine...a criminal record actually prevents you from living your life because you may not be able to get a great job, or you may be confined to your own province or country because now you're just another criminal and no one wants you in their jurisdiction. THAT prevents you from living.

My FEAR made me harmless. So that theory saying otherwise and the foundation it was built on...complete and utter bullshit and tripe.

EPIC FAIL.

And remember, that's just ONE example. See, fear keeps me from doing stupid things. Fear keeps me from making the same mistakes. Fear keeps my mind active as I seek out ways to improve my odds or situation. Fear keeps me grounded in reality where I belong.

Now don't get me wrong, there are truly some phenomenally irrational fears that people have that prevent them from living life to the fullest...I'll use one example of a fear of lawn gnomes. Yea, I couldn't believe it either. A buddy of mine told me a story about this literally crippling fear this guy he knew had over friggin' lawn gnomes. He'd practically have seizures if he was near them, so he thought it'd be funny to trap him in that aisle at a hardware store once. It's hard not to laugh like Hell when you imagine this "man" pitching a fit in an aisle full of lawn gnomes...but it's a fear he has. Irrational one? Indeed. But a fear nonetheless.

So yea, some fears can be irrational and not make any sense to the layman.

But I mean, when I sat down and thought about it...my fears are based on experiences more than anything. Some I've overcome, and others not so much...but there's never a shortage of them.

Wanna know some of them? I have nothing to hide, so I'll share them freely and give you a glimpse...

- fear of spiders
- fear of confined spaces
- fear of my own stupidity (think: me on the back of a motorbike at Mach 1 'cause it'd be "cool")
- fear of dying alone (think: no family or friends, SO's optional)
- fear of failure (and I mean ABJECT failure)
- fear of success (yea I scratched my head first time I heard that but it's true)
- fear of disability (think: missing limbs)
- fear of dementia
- fear of Alzheimer's
- fear of no bloodline (think: no kids to continue my bloodline)
- fear my kid(s) will be worse than me when I was growing up
- fear of loss (could be a friend or loved one, SO's included)
- fear of starvation
- fear of poverty (by my own hands or a greedy ex)
- fear of addictions (think: hardcore drugs or big boozin')
- fear of incapacity (yea no more bondage fun for yours truly)
- fear of losing a sense (like eyesight or hearing or speech etc)
- fear of heartache

These are just some of the things I fear. The list of course is exponentially longer, but you get the idea. I fear things. I welcome these fears. They prevent me from saying, or doing things that would lead to one of them or more of them being realized. Well...for the most part. But my fears are not shunned or shied away from. Nope...they are embraced and allowed to breathe. I could spend a good chunk of my life trying to combat them and beatin' them down until I am truly without fear...but then I would feel vacant and exposed to my own stupidity and lack of grounding. I'd be dead (again) likely within a matter of days if I ever quelled all my fears. Something I'd say or something I'd do would lead me to my own fitting end because I now thought that I was a man without fear.

Fuck that noise. I plan to live as long a life as I can, as damaged as I am. Allowing my fears to keep me from much further harm.

Now it has been suggested by a lot of those around me that I seem to live a life on the edge, and I take too many unneeded risks and such...lookin' before I leap...and it may very well be true in some cases...but those people are hopefully smart enough to know that even when I take a chance and take a risk that others may not...I still fear something about it all. I live a charmed life and I will never deny that...but everyone's luck runs out eventually. So what of the day that my luck runs out?

I hope that my fears are still there to get me the rest of the way.

I walked through the first part of my life thinkin' and pretendin' that I was fearless...I'm relieved that the box I compartmentalized that notion in fell apart and I evolved...allowing myself to touch and take hold of reality. I fear things. A lot of things. I will never be afraid to admit that.



Excuse me while I go check my lawn for shifty gnomes...they're sneaky little bastards...

There's no second second chances...

~sigh~

So there I was on Thursday night, waitin' to talk to my girl and share some things with her.  I had written some pretty powerful things culminating not only the last 8 weeks and what they were building up to, but the last year and a half as well building up to the 8 weeks...

I had a lot to share, but circumstance saw me change gears on the fly, and postpone my sharing for a while as she was gettin' ready to deal with some things on the home front.  I thought about sharing anyways, despite everything because I had waited patiently for 8 weeks to do it...but discretion popped up and I thought it may be best to wait a bit for it all.  So I let her know that instead of sharing via text, I'd wait a bit and share in person instead.  Seemed pretty logical in my mind, all things considered, but she chose to explain that if it was that important to call her, and asked why I don't talk to her anymore.

That struck me as odd to begin with.  Who knew it'd mutate beyond that?

But it did.

Yea, Monday morning I was up and chattin' with a mutual friend of ours as I had done for so long up until now, and I was about to regale her with news of my impending business meeting that afternoon.  Out of nowhere, she asks me what's going on between Melanie and I.  Right then, I had this funny feelin'.  She then immediately says that Melanie thinks I'm ignoring her, and she's none too happy about it.  She also thinks that I'm actin' like a jealous control freak.

See...I KNEW somethin' didn't feel right just a few days prior...

Now, out of respect, I won't get into all the details about this chat because some things really are personal, and though I aim to hide nothing...some things just can't be aired out for all to see.  There's trouble brewin', but that's all anyone really needs to know as far as details.  But I will say this much...it was something she said right after that which sent me over the edge.

She mentioned that she wants her man to show her she's wanted...and also that she's been through a lot and claims I'm never there.

THAT...right there...is what cut me to the quick.

Anyone that knows me, and knows about this whole situation, would know right away that for the past year and a half I have said and done so many things to show her she's wanted.  And as far as being there...they'd also know that I've put my own schedule and life on hold more times than I'd care to admit, so we could tackle her issues together.  So really, it got me to thinking...why would she attack me like that?

Seeking advice and opinions, my people all came to the same conclusion - "sounds like she wants to pick a fight with you...and if so, there's a reason she did and it ain't what you see on the surface."  One even went so far as to spell it out for me saying, "She wants you to react.  She wants you to pitch a fit and walk away so she won't have any blood on her hands.  She's up to something.  Find out what that is."

And I did.

But I won't discuss it...

Let's just say that all the pieces seemed to fit, and the more I thought about it the more what my people said was beginning to make sense.  And the worst part is, I felt blindsided 'cause this whole time I had been saying that there's no way she's "one of them".  I may have just been kiddin' myself though, and I know I'm gonna find out sooner than later.

The reason I say that is because having had the whole day to stew on what transpired early that morning, I was wrestling with sayin' nothin' and lettin' it slide, or sayin' something because I had something to say.  So I said something.  I let her know how much she had hurt me with what was inferred, and that I'm deeply wounded she'd even think it let alone say it.

And this is where the second chances come into play.  See, I mentioned to her that sometimes people get a second chance to do things right.  Doesn't happen often, but happens often enough that there's a phrase for that kinda thing.  I was making direct reference to the fact that somehow we were given a second chance with each other, for whatever reason.  Yet here we are, lookin' smack in the face of the same silence and questions that we looked at for 10 years when we said not a word to one another.  We're at the cusp of facing another oblivion that will see us right back to where we were for those 10 years.

And there are no second second chances.  No one is that lucky.  No one.

Now if the hunch was correct, and if my people were even remotely close in their opinions on her recent behaviour change...and she didn't wanna get blood on her hands, and wanted ME to pull the "trigger" that would end it all...well now she can't get off scot free.  I left the ball in her court entirely, and the decision up to her 100%.  She will now be the only one with blood on her hands if that's where this is headed.  I made it clear that she hurt me, and I've never been that hurt before...but I'm leavin' the direction of the situation up to her from here.  I told her she needs to think about what she really wants outta life, and if I'm any part of that - she needs to tell me.  I need to know, and believe that I'm not an option...I'm a priority.

I'd hate to think that we were given a second chance and she's gonna piss it away...but if that's the way it's supposed to be, then I won't argue with Fate.  Everything happens for a reason, and if my initial suspicion would be proven incorrect as a result, then that's my cross to bear for being so wrapped up in blissful ignorance of reality.  We were given a second chance, and there won't be a second second chance...we use this or lose this.

And soon enough I'll have the answer to that scenario.  Easter approaches, and we'll see what happens at that time if not sooner.

But at least I won't be the one left holdin' that bag of regret.

Not this time.

Of chains and tears...last day in class...

So today was my last day in bondage.  Yep, today was the last day of classes to learn how to be my own boss.  Looking at it in words, it seems hard to comprehend the simplicity of it all, and yet at the same time, appreciate the complexity of it.

I once felt like I was shackled to “the system”, and had felt that way ever since I donned my first headset and found myself strapped to a tether while answering calls for help.  An artificial constraint that prevented me from accomplishing what I knew I could do and what so many saw…but refused to take the initiative for myself.  This is why I refer to the above as “bondage”.  That’s how it felt.  Now I know how dogs feel on a leash or tether…

And that’s really what it was.  6 years of being an animal chained to a tree.  Always having the power and strength to simply snap the chain, but never taking the time or effort to do so.  Like a panther that had been caged for so long that the eyes have glazed over and the killing instinct has all but faded.  I had just accepted my fate to be “one of them”.

But that first set of chains did snap.  And there I was running wild with the remainder still attached to my legs.  I was able to roam free and try to get the instinct revved back up, but something was still pointing out that I had been domesticated.  Something always kept me tied to my past.  Something kept reminding me and others that I was once on a leash.  Oh yea…those fuckin’ chains still around my leg.

And so today, those chains were finally removed.  Through my own efforts and through the assistance of helpful wardens…they finally fell off.

And now I am back in the wild.  Free and untamed.  My instinct and ambition coming back to me in waves.

But hold on now…today I wanna go beyond a “just me” post.  That’s right.  Today I have to share what will go down in my books as one of the most powerful and moving experiences I have ever had in my 35 years on this planet.  So moving in fact, that it was all I could do not to get emotionally unbalanced myself.  And believe me when I say – that took a LOT of fuckin’ effort.

Classes today were more about wrappin’ things up, pattin’ each other on the ass for a job well done, and of course presentations.  We had to stand before a quasi “Dragon’s Den” of our instructors and our peers, and make a “pitch”.  We had to lay it all out there, and see what 8 weeks of effort culminated in.  And it took just one person to make the whole afternoon seem surreal and supercharged.  She also happened to be the first person to stand before us all, and take the first set of slings and arrows.  The “lamb before the lions”.

This was her second go at this course, as the first one didn’t work out due to complications and circumstance, but she came back and went through it all over again.  That in itself was pretty telling in what kind of character she had.  She’s got the affront, not unlike yours truly, of being very blasé about things and doesn’t let a whole lot bother her.  She has an edge to her that could serve as an example to other females out there.  I’m convinced that she may actually have bigger balls than all the males in the room combined.  Even from the first day, I was fascinated with her outlook, her candor, and her way of thinking.  She has an “I really don’t give a shit what you think” approach to things, and that mirrors my own philosophy as we all know…so it’s natural that like is drawn to like.

And the most intriguing part is that she is just a pup.  She’s not even 20 yet.  I’m almost twice her age.

When she walked to the front of the “Den”, and was gearing up to make her pitch, she seemed just as casual as she ever had been, and I mean…this is like the 4^th or 5^th time we’ve had to pitch our company.  So this ain’t new to her or to us.

And it all started so well…

At the end, the most amazing thing happened that I never imagined would EVER happen in my lifetime…something so out of character from the impression she had given for the last 8 weeks…she had a word and a thought stick to the back of her throat, and you know what that leads to…tears.  Admittedly, as soon as I “felt” it coming on, I held my breath and quietly prayed for her to hold it together.  I knew this would be a difficult thing for anyone to have to face and accept…crying openly in front of what could be seen as a group of strangers.  Sure, we spent the last 8 weeks together, but really…we’re all strangers to each other.

And as soon as I heard the crack in her voice, and watched as all the emotion raced to her face…I immediately bit down on my lip to prevent myself from joining in.  See, just prior to this, we had been downstairs having a cigarette together as we often did, and we talked about the final day and where to from here and things like that, and I found myself telling her that I’m proud of her.  Proud that someone her age still has the internal fortitude to live beyond the small and contrived confines of society and life…and live a dream.  Proud that she wasn’t gonna accept a “living”, but instead wanted a “life”.  Though female, it was like I was 19 again myself and I remembered almost immediately the one moment in my life when a quasi stranger said almost the same exact words to me…that he was proud of me for not wanting to accept what they offer as a “living”.

In a true “pay it forward” kinda way, I had now passed on to her what was passed on to me years ago.  So one could understand how this was hard for me to not get emotionally tied in just a short while after saying this, and then watching her weep before the class.

Still, it will now be remembered as one of the defining moments of my life.  Vicariously, through her own tears, I was finally able to shed some of my own for the words that had been said to me all those years ago.  Finally, it all made sense.  She represented the very best of what I expected from myself so long ago, and what I’d like to be able to expect from future generations.  When she stood there, so vulnerable to not only herself, but to all of us…it was a truly remarkable experience and one that moved me deeply.  This is why I had to share it here.  It seemed benign, and she wept for her own reasons naturally…but such a powerful moment that was…I’ll never forget it.  I see such good things for her.  This is gonna be one “kid” that will stand head and shoulders above the rest…those ones that are content and satisfied to make a living outta hidin’ behind half truths, and deceit, and sloth…and blame everyone else for their shortcomings.  The ones that will only ever make a living, but will never truly live.

And even as my turn came up, I was within a whisker of breaking down myself just thinkin’ about it all.  To me, watchin’ her was like watchin’ myself so long ago and what I could’ve been but opted to ignore because of a self defeating fear of failure.  And then me, now, and what I did become in the end.  She is now, where I could’ve been…but where I ended up after it all.  There was a beginning (her) and an end (myself).  A stark parallel that I saw quickly and that was what almost reduced me to tears as well.  Oh don’t worry, the “Den” caught me, and I’m sure they were waitin’ on it…but that ego driven “ID” of mine wouldn’t allow a newly unleashed animal to weep one tear.

They wouldn’t have compared to hers anyways.  You really can only have one defining moment like that in a day.  Askin’ for two or more woulda been pushin’ it…*laughs*

What started out as a very rocky road indeed, with the classes (as my blog will attest  heh)…turned out to be on very rewarding and enriching experience for me.  I bow to those that I met, and to those that I associated with, who helped me without ever knowing they did.  Each one of them helped me in their own unique way, and I will be thankful for that.  I have high hopes and broad aspirations for each of them, and some I suspect will be scaling mountaintops in no time, with the world as their oyster.

And in 1 month, I’ll get to see where everyone is in their journey, including myself.  I can’t wait.

"And the sign says..."

~sigh~

As I sit here and write this, there are just 6 days left in my classes.  March 12, 2009 is officially my last day "in class".  7 weeks have passed since I started down this road to my self employment, and it's all starting to hit me.  And hit me HARD.

I wanna say it's all bad, I really do...but it's not all bad.  There's a lotta good that comes with this feeling I just felt as I woke up this morning.

It was in all ways, a reality check.

I mean, just 7 weeks ago (seems so long and yet went by so fast) I was settling in to my new role as entrepreneur-in-training.  Books in hand...ready to do this thing.  Real life scratching away at my door in the meantime.  Bills.  Debts.  Negative cash flow.  8 looming weeks of hard study.

7 weeks later, nearly at the end of this first stage...I feel ill.

I think it coulda been worse for me, since I'm still battling demons...but in a grand fashion of "right place, right time", a newly acquired friend sent something to me that made me stop for a moment.  She sends me her poetry.  Free verse mostly, and some of it is quite good.  So while this wasn't really anything new, it was what hit my inbox that made me stop long enough to breathe and perhaps diminish the impact of what I felt this morning.

I won't post what was written, 'cause I have no permission to do so...but the gist of it was simple - it was all about perspective.  The ability to look at a situation and say, "Wow man I'm in so much shit...I'm at the end of my rope here...", but then to see a situation that makes you say, "Wow, I'm glad that's not me.  That's so much worse."

Perspective.  The ability to step back and see things for what they are.

Up until now, I have run myself ragged and at great expense.  I have sacrificed my health, my finances, my sleep, my appetite, my time...all in the quest of a greater goal.  I have burned the candle at both ends, and also in the middle.  While working towards something great, I can look back and see the carnage that lay just behind me to get me here.  I look back and see a cavalcade of wheelin' and dealin', and "robbin' Peter to pay Paul" type scenarios to get me here...I look in the mirror in disgust at what looks back at me...the gaunt figure that still resembles me, but is really no longer me.  I hear the phone ring and freeze up in anxiety attacks thinkin', "Okay, so which collector is it this time?"  I scramble as it is, right now, wondering how the fuck I'm gonna make rent today...

Perspective.  The sign says "Reality Check Ahead".

My world is crumbling all around me, and clearly visible to all that see it.  However, I am still here.  I am still breathing.  I am not infirm.  I'm not living out of a box (yet).  I haven't been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  I haven't had my home foreclosed on.  I wasn't laid off "at the worst possible time".  I haven't had to attend, or participate in any funerals in as long as I can remember.  I have family and friends trying to keep me standing upright.  I have the love of a woman to put a smile on my face and provide me the inspiration I need to move ahead...

Perspective.  My life is a mess, but Jesus H Christ...it could be 10 times worse.

And so the panic diminishes.

So, with just less than one week til I'm done and they kick me outta the nest that is my class...I need to step back and see this from a perspective.  Despite so many things working against me, and namely myself working so hard to undermine my own efforts...I have a lot to look forward to.  I NEED to keep that in mind.  My "Time Jar" has a lot of big stones in it, so I need to address those first.

It seems that all my recent efforts have a counter balance to them.  The chief one (for now) seems to be the same one that 99% of my classmates have...I have an idea for a business that can most certainly make a profit...but how am I gonna finance this pig?  So I need to start there.  I finished my 2nd draft of my company's financial expectations (we call it crystal-balling) for the next 3 years.  It has underwent some alterations, but no matter how hard I try, there is no way I can find to NOT make money.  I suppose a lot could be said about not even trying, or a lack of clients would see me making no profit...but when I look at what the expectations are that I set out for my company (15 clients a year, adding a new 15 each year for a total of 45 by Year 3), this doesn't seem a stretch.

Projections for the company are for it to see a steady client base, added to each year, with a gain of near $1M in savings for the company at the end of Year 3.  To the casual observer, they see that as a pipe dream...but in reality, it's anything but.  The market we are currently in will stabilize itself in time.  3 years to balance itself out isn't over-anticipation either.  I'd be more apt to say things will balance out in 2 years.

So how do I finance this pig?  That's the big stone I need to deal with now.  Beyond the bill collectors, the debt, and the ill health that I've caused myself...my answer lies in the work I'll be doing for the company I created out of nothing...and once that gets accomplished, the rest ties itself off as a result.  So I need to polish the Hell out of my business plan enough to make it so that investors will take a look and nearly hump the table trying to get in on the ground floor of my company.  Can it be done?  Yep.  Even with diminished results, and coming in below forecast...ROI (return on investment) for any investor will still be well over 80% in 3 years.  That in itself is enough to make even the hardest of hardcore investors crack a smile.

My health can come back to me.  My bills can be paid.  My time can be budgeted accordingly.  My appetite can be reestablished.  My sleep will take care of itself.  I just need that first step.

As my time winds down, more sacrifices will need to be made.  More wheelin' and dealin' to keep my head above water.  But it's all about how I deliver the effort.  To me, it's all about the end result right now.  The one thing that will accomplish all things.  Knock that off, and the rest falls into place.  Then I just grab the next big stone in my "Time Jar" and run with it.  Once those stones are gone...it's just the "little things" I'll need to task myself for.

Perspective.

That's what it's all about.  Opportunity has presented itself, and though my world seems a little darker than it should be...it's not without any light at all.  I just need to shine that light on the rest of my world.

Because it could be worse.

My Valentine's Day rant...

Now that "the day" has finally arrived, I can sound off on just why I hate, despise, and utterly LOATHE this day.

It's as phony as a 3 dollar bill...that's why.

Long ago, some mastermind decided to concoct a day that they could market their wares to unsuspecting dolts out there, who would lavish their sweetie with tokens and "things".  Roses...chocolates...teddy bears...rings and other assorted diamond fineries.  Admittedly, whoever was the first on their block to conceive such a masterful ploy to reap a sick amount of profit from the lovelorn was indeed a genius in their own right.

But I hate it.  I hate all that it stands for.  I hate that this day is tantamount to little else than to shame any man that doesn't dote on his sweetheart on this ONE DAY above all else.  And it sickens me to the core.

Those who know me, know only too well by now that under the veneer of harshness and abrasiveness, lies a still beating heart of a true romantic soul.  Yes, far beneath the facade of abject callousness and anti-establishment, I'm a romantic at heart, and I'm filled to the brim with mushy goodness.

So why the huge hate-on for Valentine's Day, you ask?

Like I said, it's all so fucking phony.  I could do a quick survey about what Valentine's Day really means and where it really started, and it wouldn't surprise me in the least to see that out of 100 polled, if less than 5% knew the answer.  If that.  Fuck, if even 5% knew where it all began, I'd probably have a heart attack.

So many people have been brainwashed into this over-commercialised feeding frenzy we now know as Valentine's Day that it's all I can do not to thump someone out.  I'm serious.  I just can't wrap my head around how many people I know personally, and just at random that are so fuckin' obsessed with this day.  Women for the "things" they are about to receive, and the men for being stupid enough to pander to it all.  If I got in my car right now and went to any mall in the City, I'd likely see a throng of last minute shoppers quite comparable to the throngs of the same at Christmas time, all looking for that last (or first) gift for their special someone.  I'd be able to witness mass consumerism at its finest in all its glory as these dolts fight and scramble to snap up whatever is still left on the shelves.

And then I'd have to vomit liberally all over myself for being dumb enough to witness it.

Yep, this day is a bane of my existence.

The way I see it, and have long seen it...why would I wait to be TOLD what day I *should* be doting on my sweetie, when I have a full 365 days to choose from?  Why would I wait for ONE DAY to shower her with love and affection and the like?  What the fuck did I do with the other 364 days?  Nothing?

These marketers will always reap profits in disgusting numbers because, let's face it, there's more of "them" (the brainwashed masses) than there'll ever be of "us" (the enlightened masses).  It's just a sharp fact.  As long as men continue to feel shamed or guilted by either society or their mates for NOT pandering to this "holiest of days", there will always be profits to be had.

Well...you can bloody well have it then.  I want no part in it.

I feel no guilt or shame at all by electing to not celebrate this day by forgetting I have a fuckin' brain in my head.  I don't feel any shame or guilt in knowing that I don't need to be TOLD what day I *should* be doting on my sweetie.  I don't feel any shame or guilt in telling the marketers of this world that they can kiss every square inch of my ass today.  And if, by chance, I had shame or guilt aimed at me by my sweetie 'cause I didn't "play along"...then she wouldn't be my sweetie for much longer.

I make use of the other 364 days afforded me by the powers that be.  In all that time, I show her, and tell her how much she means to me "just because".  I don't have any pressing need or desire to be TOLD when I should be doing this, or to be "reminded" that this day above all others is the MOST IMPORTANT day to do it.  Fuck...you...all.  I have 364 days to play with, and make use of them.  I think that can afford me a free pass to avoid this day like the plague it is.

E-cards, and love letters is all anyone gets from me on THIS day.  No gifts.  No "things".  Just cards and/or love letters.  Nice and simple.  Come to think of it, the ONLY money I've spent on THIS day since as far back as I can remember, has been on ME.  The one I love most.  ME.  Yea, I said it...2004 I bought my first big screen TV as a gift to MYSELF for Valentine's day.  2008 and I went and did the same thing...a newer big screen TV as a gift to MYSELF on THIS day.  I really and honestly can't recall the last girlfriend that received any gift from me on THIS day.  Mind you, I also have an equally hard time recalling if I EVER received any gift from a girlfriend on THIS day.  I don't think I ever have...

The only one in benefit of any gifts or "things" today will be me.  I like it that way.  I dote on my sweetie all year and I think if I take one day to shower myself with goodies, it shouldn't be considered a foul.  Sadly, there's an awful lot of women out there that would get their knickers in a twist if any man was as brazen as I...spending money on himself today and not her.  The nerve!

There's also an awful lot of women out there that criticize me on THIS day for not gifting my baby...and I tell them all to go to Hell.  If you're enjoying being with a man who feels enough guilt or shame to "play along" on THIS day, just to fuckin' validate YOU...you can have it, and him.  You're both wastes in my eyes.  Yea, I said that too.  I get the feeling behind it, I really do...but this pissing contest never really did anything for me anyways, and though I know and appreciate that these brainless consumerists feel the "need" to be showed all this on ONE day...I still can't wrap my head around it.  It's the ONE day that men get to make up for an entire year of fuckups...and also the ONE day that women almost universally seem to forget ALL the other things he did for you that year but didn't do this ONE day.

Such a pity.

Much like Christmas, Valentine's Day will only have a modest appeal to me when I have kids of my own some day.  It seems important to them, so therefore it'll be important to me too.  But under it all, I'll still be biting my tongue that this over-commercialized feeding frenzy is still being perpetuated.

Rant off.