There's no second second chances...

~sigh~

So there I was on Thursday night, waitin' to talk to my girl and share some things with her.  I had written some pretty powerful things culminating not only the last 8 weeks and what they were building up to, but the last year and a half as well building up to the 8 weeks...

I had a lot to share, but circumstance saw me change gears on the fly, and postpone my sharing for a while as she was gettin' ready to deal with some things on the home front.  I thought about sharing anyways, despite everything because I had waited patiently for 8 weeks to do it...but discretion popped up and I thought it may be best to wait a bit for it all.  So I let her know that instead of sharing via text, I'd wait a bit and share in person instead.  Seemed pretty logical in my mind, all things considered, but she chose to explain that if it was that important to call her, and asked why I don't talk to her anymore.

That struck me as odd to begin with.  Who knew it'd mutate beyond that?

But it did.

Yea, Monday morning I was up and chattin' with a mutual friend of ours as I had done for so long up until now, and I was about to regale her with news of my impending business meeting that afternoon.  Out of nowhere, she asks me what's going on between Melanie and I.  Right then, I had this funny feelin'.  She then immediately says that Melanie thinks I'm ignoring her, and she's none too happy about it.  She also thinks that I'm actin' like a jealous control freak.

See...I KNEW somethin' didn't feel right just a few days prior...

Now, out of respect, I won't get into all the details about this chat because some things really are personal, and though I aim to hide nothing...some things just can't be aired out for all to see.  There's trouble brewin', but that's all anyone really needs to know as far as details.  But I will say this much...it was something she said right after that which sent me over the edge.

She mentioned that she wants her man to show her she's wanted...and also that she's been through a lot and claims I'm never there.

THAT...right there...is what cut me to the quick.

Anyone that knows me, and knows about this whole situation, would know right away that for the past year and a half I have said and done so many things to show her she's wanted.  And as far as being there...they'd also know that I've put my own schedule and life on hold more times than I'd care to admit, so we could tackle her issues together.  So really, it got me to thinking...why would she attack me like that?

Seeking advice and opinions, my people all came to the same conclusion - "sounds like she wants to pick a fight with you...and if so, there's a reason she did and it ain't what you see on the surface."  One even went so far as to spell it out for me saying, "She wants you to react.  She wants you to pitch a fit and walk away so she won't have any blood on her hands.  She's up to something.  Find out what that is."

And I did.

But I won't discuss it...

Let's just say that all the pieces seemed to fit, and the more I thought about it the more what my people said was beginning to make sense.  And the worst part is, I felt blindsided 'cause this whole time I had been saying that there's no way she's "one of them".  I may have just been kiddin' myself though, and I know I'm gonna find out sooner than later.

The reason I say that is because having had the whole day to stew on what transpired early that morning, I was wrestling with sayin' nothin' and lettin' it slide, or sayin' something because I had something to say.  So I said something.  I let her know how much she had hurt me with what was inferred, and that I'm deeply wounded she'd even think it let alone say it.

And this is where the second chances come into play.  See, I mentioned to her that sometimes people get a second chance to do things right.  Doesn't happen often, but happens often enough that there's a phrase for that kinda thing.  I was making direct reference to the fact that somehow we were given a second chance with each other, for whatever reason.  Yet here we are, lookin' smack in the face of the same silence and questions that we looked at for 10 years when we said not a word to one another.  We're at the cusp of facing another oblivion that will see us right back to where we were for those 10 years.

And there are no second second chances.  No one is that lucky.  No one.

Now if the hunch was correct, and if my people were even remotely close in their opinions on her recent behaviour change...and she didn't wanna get blood on her hands, and wanted ME to pull the "trigger" that would end it all...well now she can't get off scot free.  I left the ball in her court entirely, and the decision up to her 100%.  She will now be the only one with blood on her hands if that's where this is headed.  I made it clear that she hurt me, and I've never been that hurt before...but I'm leavin' the direction of the situation up to her from here.  I told her she needs to think about what she really wants outta life, and if I'm any part of that - she needs to tell me.  I need to know, and believe that I'm not an option...I'm a priority.

I'd hate to think that we were given a second chance and she's gonna piss it away...but if that's the way it's supposed to be, then I won't argue with Fate.  Everything happens for a reason, and if my initial suspicion would be proven incorrect as a result, then that's my cross to bear for being so wrapped up in blissful ignorance of reality.  We were given a second chance, and there won't be a second second chance...we use this or lose this.

And soon enough I'll have the answer to that scenario.  Easter approaches, and we'll see what happens at that time if not sooner.

But at least I won't be the one left holdin' that bag of regret.

Not this time.

Of chains and tears...last day in class...

So today was my last day in bondage.  Yep, today was the last day of classes to learn how to be my own boss.  Looking at it in words, it seems hard to comprehend the simplicity of it all, and yet at the same time, appreciate the complexity of it.

I once felt like I was shackled to “the system”, and had felt that way ever since I donned my first headset and found myself strapped to a tether while answering calls for help.  An artificial constraint that prevented me from accomplishing what I knew I could do and what so many saw…but refused to take the initiative for myself.  This is why I refer to the above as “bondage”.  That’s how it felt.  Now I know how dogs feel on a leash or tether…

And that’s really what it was.  6 years of being an animal chained to a tree.  Always having the power and strength to simply snap the chain, but never taking the time or effort to do so.  Like a panther that had been caged for so long that the eyes have glazed over and the killing instinct has all but faded.  I had just accepted my fate to be “one of them”.

But that first set of chains did snap.  And there I was running wild with the remainder still attached to my legs.  I was able to roam free and try to get the instinct revved back up, but something was still pointing out that I had been domesticated.  Something always kept me tied to my past.  Something kept reminding me and others that I was once on a leash.  Oh yea…those fuckin’ chains still around my leg.

And so today, those chains were finally removed.  Through my own efforts and through the assistance of helpful wardens…they finally fell off.

And now I am back in the wild.  Free and untamed.  My instinct and ambition coming back to me in waves.

But hold on now…today I wanna go beyond a “just me” post.  That’s right.  Today I have to share what will go down in my books as one of the most powerful and moving experiences I have ever had in my 35 years on this planet.  So moving in fact, that it was all I could do not to get emotionally unbalanced myself.  And believe me when I say – that took a LOT of fuckin’ effort.

Classes today were more about wrappin’ things up, pattin’ each other on the ass for a job well done, and of course presentations.  We had to stand before a quasi “Dragon’s Den” of our instructors and our peers, and make a “pitch”.  We had to lay it all out there, and see what 8 weeks of effort culminated in.  And it took just one person to make the whole afternoon seem surreal and supercharged.  She also happened to be the first person to stand before us all, and take the first set of slings and arrows.  The “lamb before the lions”.

This was her second go at this course, as the first one didn’t work out due to complications and circumstance, but she came back and went through it all over again.  That in itself was pretty telling in what kind of character she had.  She’s got the affront, not unlike yours truly, of being very blasé about things and doesn’t let a whole lot bother her.  She has an edge to her that could serve as an example to other females out there.  I’m convinced that she may actually have bigger balls than all the males in the room combined.  Even from the first day, I was fascinated with her outlook, her candor, and her way of thinking.  She has an “I really don’t give a shit what you think” approach to things, and that mirrors my own philosophy as we all know…so it’s natural that like is drawn to like.

And the most intriguing part is that she is just a pup.  She’s not even 20 yet.  I’m almost twice her age.

When she walked to the front of the “Den”, and was gearing up to make her pitch, she seemed just as casual as she ever had been, and I mean…this is like the 4^th or 5^th time we’ve had to pitch our company.  So this ain’t new to her or to us.

And it all started so well…

At the end, the most amazing thing happened that I never imagined would EVER happen in my lifetime…something so out of character from the impression she had given for the last 8 weeks…she had a word and a thought stick to the back of her throat, and you know what that leads to…tears.  Admittedly, as soon as I “felt” it coming on, I held my breath and quietly prayed for her to hold it together.  I knew this would be a difficult thing for anyone to have to face and accept…crying openly in front of what could be seen as a group of strangers.  Sure, we spent the last 8 weeks together, but really…we’re all strangers to each other.

And as soon as I heard the crack in her voice, and watched as all the emotion raced to her face…I immediately bit down on my lip to prevent myself from joining in.  See, just prior to this, we had been downstairs having a cigarette together as we often did, and we talked about the final day and where to from here and things like that, and I found myself telling her that I’m proud of her.  Proud that someone her age still has the internal fortitude to live beyond the small and contrived confines of society and life…and live a dream.  Proud that she wasn’t gonna accept a “living”, but instead wanted a “life”.  Though female, it was like I was 19 again myself and I remembered almost immediately the one moment in my life when a quasi stranger said almost the same exact words to me…that he was proud of me for not wanting to accept what they offer as a “living”.

In a true “pay it forward” kinda way, I had now passed on to her what was passed on to me years ago.  So one could understand how this was hard for me to not get emotionally tied in just a short while after saying this, and then watching her weep before the class.

Still, it will now be remembered as one of the defining moments of my life.  Vicariously, through her own tears, I was finally able to shed some of my own for the words that had been said to me all those years ago.  Finally, it all made sense.  She represented the very best of what I expected from myself so long ago, and what I’d like to be able to expect from future generations.  When she stood there, so vulnerable to not only herself, but to all of us…it was a truly remarkable experience and one that moved me deeply.  This is why I had to share it here.  It seemed benign, and she wept for her own reasons naturally…but such a powerful moment that was…I’ll never forget it.  I see such good things for her.  This is gonna be one “kid” that will stand head and shoulders above the rest…those ones that are content and satisfied to make a living outta hidin’ behind half truths, and deceit, and sloth…and blame everyone else for their shortcomings.  The ones that will only ever make a living, but will never truly live.

And even as my turn came up, I was within a whisker of breaking down myself just thinkin’ about it all.  To me, watchin’ her was like watchin’ myself so long ago and what I could’ve been but opted to ignore because of a self defeating fear of failure.  And then me, now, and what I did become in the end.  She is now, where I could’ve been…but where I ended up after it all.  There was a beginning (her) and an end (myself).  A stark parallel that I saw quickly and that was what almost reduced me to tears as well.  Oh don’t worry, the “Den” caught me, and I’m sure they were waitin’ on it…but that ego driven “ID” of mine wouldn’t allow a newly unleashed animal to weep one tear.

They wouldn’t have compared to hers anyways.  You really can only have one defining moment like that in a day.  Askin’ for two or more woulda been pushin’ it…*laughs*

What started out as a very rocky road indeed, with the classes (as my blog will attest  heh)…turned out to be on very rewarding and enriching experience for me.  I bow to those that I met, and to those that I associated with, who helped me without ever knowing they did.  Each one of them helped me in their own unique way, and I will be thankful for that.  I have high hopes and broad aspirations for each of them, and some I suspect will be scaling mountaintops in no time, with the world as their oyster.

And in 1 month, I’ll get to see where everyone is in their journey, including myself.  I can’t wait.

"And the sign says..."

~sigh~

As I sit here and write this, there are just 6 days left in my classes.  March 12, 2009 is officially my last day "in class".  7 weeks have passed since I started down this road to my self employment, and it's all starting to hit me.  And hit me HARD.

I wanna say it's all bad, I really do...but it's not all bad.  There's a lotta good that comes with this feeling I just felt as I woke up this morning.

It was in all ways, a reality check.

I mean, just 7 weeks ago (seems so long and yet went by so fast) I was settling in to my new role as entrepreneur-in-training.  Books in hand...ready to do this thing.  Real life scratching away at my door in the meantime.  Bills.  Debts.  Negative cash flow.  8 looming weeks of hard study.

7 weeks later, nearly at the end of this first stage...I feel ill.

I think it coulda been worse for me, since I'm still battling demons...but in a grand fashion of "right place, right time", a newly acquired friend sent something to me that made me stop for a moment.  She sends me her poetry.  Free verse mostly, and some of it is quite good.  So while this wasn't really anything new, it was what hit my inbox that made me stop long enough to breathe and perhaps diminish the impact of what I felt this morning.

I won't post what was written, 'cause I have no permission to do so...but the gist of it was simple - it was all about perspective.  The ability to look at a situation and say, "Wow man I'm in so much shit...I'm at the end of my rope here...", but then to see a situation that makes you say, "Wow, I'm glad that's not me.  That's so much worse."

Perspective.  The ability to step back and see things for what they are.

Up until now, I have run myself ragged and at great expense.  I have sacrificed my health, my finances, my sleep, my appetite, my time...all in the quest of a greater goal.  I have burned the candle at both ends, and also in the middle.  While working towards something great, I can look back and see the carnage that lay just behind me to get me here.  I look back and see a cavalcade of wheelin' and dealin', and "robbin' Peter to pay Paul" type scenarios to get me here...I look in the mirror in disgust at what looks back at me...the gaunt figure that still resembles me, but is really no longer me.  I hear the phone ring and freeze up in anxiety attacks thinkin', "Okay, so which collector is it this time?"  I scramble as it is, right now, wondering how the fuck I'm gonna make rent today...

Perspective.  The sign says "Reality Check Ahead".

My world is crumbling all around me, and clearly visible to all that see it.  However, I am still here.  I am still breathing.  I am not infirm.  I'm not living out of a box (yet).  I haven't been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  I haven't had my home foreclosed on.  I wasn't laid off "at the worst possible time".  I haven't had to attend, or participate in any funerals in as long as I can remember.  I have family and friends trying to keep me standing upright.  I have the love of a woman to put a smile on my face and provide me the inspiration I need to move ahead...

Perspective.  My life is a mess, but Jesus H Christ...it could be 10 times worse.

And so the panic diminishes.

So, with just less than one week til I'm done and they kick me outta the nest that is my class...I need to step back and see this from a perspective.  Despite so many things working against me, and namely myself working so hard to undermine my own efforts...I have a lot to look forward to.  I NEED to keep that in mind.  My "Time Jar" has a lot of big stones in it, so I need to address those first.

It seems that all my recent efforts have a counter balance to them.  The chief one (for now) seems to be the same one that 99% of my classmates have...I have an idea for a business that can most certainly make a profit...but how am I gonna finance this pig?  So I need to start there.  I finished my 2nd draft of my company's financial expectations (we call it crystal-balling) for the next 3 years.  It has underwent some alterations, but no matter how hard I try, there is no way I can find to NOT make money.  I suppose a lot could be said about not even trying, or a lack of clients would see me making no profit...but when I look at what the expectations are that I set out for my company (15 clients a year, adding a new 15 each year for a total of 45 by Year 3), this doesn't seem a stretch.

Projections for the company are for it to see a steady client base, added to each year, with a gain of near $1M in savings for the company at the end of Year 3.  To the casual observer, they see that as a pipe dream...but in reality, it's anything but.  The market we are currently in will stabilize itself in time.  3 years to balance itself out isn't over-anticipation either.  I'd be more apt to say things will balance out in 2 years.

So how do I finance this pig?  That's the big stone I need to deal with now.  Beyond the bill collectors, the debt, and the ill health that I've caused myself...my answer lies in the work I'll be doing for the company I created out of nothing...and once that gets accomplished, the rest ties itself off as a result.  So I need to polish the Hell out of my business plan enough to make it so that investors will take a look and nearly hump the table trying to get in on the ground floor of my company.  Can it be done?  Yep.  Even with diminished results, and coming in below forecast...ROI (return on investment) for any investor will still be well over 80% in 3 years.  That in itself is enough to make even the hardest of hardcore investors crack a smile.

My health can come back to me.  My bills can be paid.  My time can be budgeted accordingly.  My appetite can be reestablished.  My sleep will take care of itself.  I just need that first step.

As my time winds down, more sacrifices will need to be made.  More wheelin' and dealin' to keep my head above water.  But it's all about how I deliver the effort.  To me, it's all about the end result right now.  The one thing that will accomplish all things.  Knock that off, and the rest falls into place.  Then I just grab the next big stone in my "Time Jar" and run with it.  Once those stones are gone...it's just the "little things" I'll need to task myself for.

Perspective.

That's what it's all about.  Opportunity has presented itself, and though my world seems a little darker than it should be...it's not without any light at all.  I just need to shine that light on the rest of my world.

Because it could be worse.