There's no second second chances...

~sigh~

So there I was on Thursday night, waitin' to talk to my girl and share some things with her.  I had written some pretty powerful things culminating not only the last 8 weeks and what they were building up to, but the last year and a half as well building up to the 8 weeks...

I had a lot to share, but circumstance saw me change gears on the fly, and postpone my sharing for a while as she was gettin' ready to deal with some things on the home front.  I thought about sharing anyways, despite everything because I had waited patiently for 8 weeks to do it...but discretion popped up and I thought it may be best to wait a bit for it all.  So I let her know that instead of sharing via text, I'd wait a bit and share in person instead.  Seemed pretty logical in my mind, all things considered, but she chose to explain that if it was that important to call her, and asked why I don't talk to her anymore.

That struck me as odd to begin with.  Who knew it'd mutate beyond that?

But it did.

Yea, Monday morning I was up and chattin' with a mutual friend of ours as I had done for so long up until now, and I was about to regale her with news of my impending business meeting that afternoon.  Out of nowhere, she asks me what's going on between Melanie and I.  Right then, I had this funny feelin'.  She then immediately says that Melanie thinks I'm ignoring her, and she's none too happy about it.  She also thinks that I'm actin' like a jealous control freak.

See...I KNEW somethin' didn't feel right just a few days prior...

Now, out of respect, I won't get into all the details about this chat because some things really are personal, and though I aim to hide nothing...some things just can't be aired out for all to see.  There's trouble brewin', but that's all anyone really needs to know as far as details.  But I will say this much...it was something she said right after that which sent me over the edge.

She mentioned that she wants her man to show her she's wanted...and also that she's been through a lot and claims I'm never there.

THAT...right there...is what cut me to the quick.

Anyone that knows me, and knows about this whole situation, would know right away that for the past year and a half I have said and done so many things to show her she's wanted.  And as far as being there...they'd also know that I've put my own schedule and life on hold more times than I'd care to admit, so we could tackle her issues together.  So really, it got me to thinking...why would she attack me like that?

Seeking advice and opinions, my people all came to the same conclusion - "sounds like she wants to pick a fight with you...and if so, there's a reason she did and it ain't what you see on the surface."  One even went so far as to spell it out for me saying, "She wants you to react.  She wants you to pitch a fit and walk away so she won't have any blood on her hands.  She's up to something.  Find out what that is."

And I did.

But I won't discuss it...

Let's just say that all the pieces seemed to fit, and the more I thought about it the more what my people said was beginning to make sense.  And the worst part is, I felt blindsided 'cause this whole time I had been saying that there's no way she's "one of them".  I may have just been kiddin' myself though, and I know I'm gonna find out sooner than later.

The reason I say that is because having had the whole day to stew on what transpired early that morning, I was wrestling with sayin' nothin' and lettin' it slide, or sayin' something because I had something to say.  So I said something.  I let her know how much she had hurt me with what was inferred, and that I'm deeply wounded she'd even think it let alone say it.

And this is where the second chances come into play.  See, I mentioned to her that sometimes people get a second chance to do things right.  Doesn't happen often, but happens often enough that there's a phrase for that kinda thing.  I was making direct reference to the fact that somehow we were given a second chance with each other, for whatever reason.  Yet here we are, lookin' smack in the face of the same silence and questions that we looked at for 10 years when we said not a word to one another.  We're at the cusp of facing another oblivion that will see us right back to where we were for those 10 years.

And there are no second second chances.  No one is that lucky.  No one.

Now if the hunch was correct, and if my people were even remotely close in their opinions on her recent behaviour change...and she didn't wanna get blood on her hands, and wanted ME to pull the "trigger" that would end it all...well now she can't get off scot free.  I left the ball in her court entirely, and the decision up to her 100%.  She will now be the only one with blood on her hands if that's where this is headed.  I made it clear that she hurt me, and I've never been that hurt before...but I'm leavin' the direction of the situation up to her from here.  I told her she needs to think about what she really wants outta life, and if I'm any part of that - she needs to tell me.  I need to know, and believe that I'm not an option...I'm a priority.

I'd hate to think that we were given a second chance and she's gonna piss it away...but if that's the way it's supposed to be, then I won't argue with Fate.  Everything happens for a reason, and if my initial suspicion would be proven incorrect as a result, then that's my cross to bear for being so wrapped up in blissful ignorance of reality.  We were given a second chance, and there won't be a second second chance...we use this or lose this.

And soon enough I'll have the answer to that scenario.  Easter approaches, and we'll see what happens at that time if not sooner.

But at least I won't be the one left holdin' that bag of regret.

Not this time.