Fearless?

So this thought has been hangin' around in my head for a couple days now. Someone remarked that they saw a scrawl on a sidewalk that read "Only the fearless are harmless" I had to think about the logic behind it, and on paper I suppose one could argue that it seems plausible.

But I think it's a load of shit. Completely baseless. Like building a castle on quicksand.

It's "fortune cookie" logic at best.

So in essence, what it meant was, if you are without fear then you will never come to harm. You can't be harmed (by implied definition). Now tell me, who in their right mind would ever fall for a line of shit like that? I can almost expect to see a few head bobbers out there that like to parade around like they're all fearless and badass and stuff...but I can see right through you. You're all almost translucent. So you think that because you walk around all fearless that means you're bulletproof too? Invulnerable? Unbreakable?

Tell ya what...c'mere and meet me out back behind the woodshed...I'll put your invincibility, invulnerability and unbreakability to the test personally. I won't even bring the Louisville. I'll bet you every dollar I'll ever make in my life I WILL break you.

And you'll feel fear then. Trust me.

See, I've been dead twice already...clinically. So I've seen death first hand and no longer fear it the way most would. I would die for a purpose if needed and put myself in harm's way for a purpose...a point...another life perhaps. Is that because I'm invincible now? Nope. I've been there already and you haven't, so who has the most to lose when we meet behind the woodshed?

Me...or you?

So think about that.

As for me, does this mean *I* am fearless now? HELL NO. I may not fear death the way most do based on personal experience, but am I afraid of things? You're damn right I am. I'm afraid of a LOT of things. I can walk around with a shopping list of things I fear, and I'll probably find more things to fear as I walk around. Someone told me once that fear is just False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear they said, is fallacy. Fear they claimed, is all in the mind and can be overcome. Fear they said, prevents us from living our lives.

Yep...I hit the brakes right about there too.

Stops me from living my life now does it? Really? That's funny, 'cause the last time I checked I still didn't have a criminal record. Yea, I'll just cite that example. No criminal record to speak of. Never been arrested or charged or done a day in juvie or remand let alone jail. And WHY you ask?

Fear.

Whether it's a mugging, or a beating, or a drug deal, or a theft, or worse...FEAR of being caught and doing time for it is what prevented me, and will always prevent me from a criminal record. A criminal record harms you in ways you can't possibly imagine...a criminal record actually prevents you from living your life because you may not be able to get a great job, or you may be confined to your own province or country because now you're just another criminal and no one wants you in their jurisdiction. THAT prevents you from living.

My FEAR made me harmless. So that theory saying otherwise and the foundation it was built on...complete and utter bullshit and tripe.

EPIC FAIL.

And remember, that's just ONE example. See, fear keeps me from doing stupid things. Fear keeps me from making the same mistakes. Fear keeps my mind active as I seek out ways to improve my odds or situation. Fear keeps me grounded in reality where I belong.

Now don't get me wrong, there are truly some phenomenally irrational fears that people have that prevent them from living life to the fullest...I'll use one example of a fear of lawn gnomes. Yea, I couldn't believe it either. A buddy of mine told me a story about this literally crippling fear this guy he knew had over friggin' lawn gnomes. He'd practically have seizures if he was near them, so he thought it'd be funny to trap him in that aisle at a hardware store once. It's hard not to laugh like Hell when you imagine this "man" pitching a fit in an aisle full of lawn gnomes...but it's a fear he has. Irrational one? Indeed. But a fear nonetheless.

So yea, some fears can be irrational and not make any sense to the layman.

But I mean, when I sat down and thought about it...my fears are based on experiences more than anything. Some I've overcome, and others not so much...but there's never a shortage of them.

Wanna know some of them? I have nothing to hide, so I'll share them freely and give you a glimpse...

- fear of spiders
- fear of confined spaces
- fear of my own stupidity (think: me on the back of a motorbike at Mach 1 'cause it'd be "cool")
- fear of dying alone (think: no family or friends, SO's optional)
- fear of failure (and I mean ABJECT failure)
- fear of success (yea I scratched my head first time I heard that but it's true)
- fear of disability (think: missing limbs)
- fear of dementia
- fear of Alzheimer's
- fear of no bloodline (think: no kids to continue my bloodline)
- fear my kid(s) will be worse than me when I was growing up
- fear of loss (could be a friend or loved one, SO's included)
- fear of starvation
- fear of poverty (by my own hands or a greedy ex)
- fear of addictions (think: hardcore drugs or big boozin')
- fear of incapacity (yea no more bondage fun for yours truly)
- fear of losing a sense (like eyesight or hearing or speech etc)
- fear of heartache

These are just some of the things I fear. The list of course is exponentially longer, but you get the idea. I fear things. I welcome these fears. They prevent me from saying, or doing things that would lead to one of them or more of them being realized. Well...for the most part. But my fears are not shunned or shied away from. Nope...they are embraced and allowed to breathe. I could spend a good chunk of my life trying to combat them and beatin' them down until I am truly without fear...but then I would feel vacant and exposed to my own stupidity and lack of grounding. I'd be dead (again) likely within a matter of days if I ever quelled all my fears. Something I'd say or something I'd do would lead me to my own fitting end because I now thought that I was a man without fear.

Fuck that noise. I plan to live as long a life as I can, as damaged as I am. Allowing my fears to keep me from much further harm.

Now it has been suggested by a lot of those around me that I seem to live a life on the edge, and I take too many unneeded risks and such...lookin' before I leap...and it may very well be true in some cases...but those people are hopefully smart enough to know that even when I take a chance and take a risk that others may not...I still fear something about it all. I live a charmed life and I will never deny that...but everyone's luck runs out eventually. So what of the day that my luck runs out?

I hope that my fears are still there to get me the rest of the way.

I walked through the first part of my life thinkin' and pretendin' that I was fearless...I'm relieved that the box I compartmentalized that notion in fell apart and I evolved...allowing myself to touch and take hold of reality. I fear things. A lot of things. I will never be afraid to admit that.



Excuse me while I go check my lawn for shifty gnomes...they're sneaky little bastards...