So back on March 21st, I blogged about the situation between my girl and I. Seems that things were spiralling outta control and I had it figured that her and I were about to implode. I was so certain of it that I thought I had it all figured out. All the pieces fit, and all the scenario portions played out as one would expect...That was, until about 3 weeks ago or so.
Then it all changed. And now here I am, all torn up about what to think and what to believe and askin' myself where I go from here?
See, as of that writing I was convinced we were done...or heading down that road and it was just a matter of gettin' the "final word" delivered. I waited over the Easter weekend, when I knew she was in town, and no word came. According to the email I sent her I explained that if she decided that I wasn't a priority to her and/or she didn't see me in her future, then don't bother calling or dropping by...silence would tell me everything I needed to know. So very, VERY similar to when my ex fiancé split up with me.
I heard not a word. Not a peep. No email, no call, no nothing. So I assumed that meant that we had imploded.
Having already braced myself for that possibility as I had done in the past, it came and it went with barely a whimper. When the weekend and visit were done, and no word had come in, that was all I needed to know. So I took it to mean we were finished. There was obviously nothing more to say. From that day forward, I lived a life in the belief that I was now back on the market and freshly dumped.
Some 6 or 7 weeks later, and I'm tellin' ya...right outta the blue...I get this instant message from her tellin' me how excited she is that she will be in town again permanently soon, and how eager she is to see me. Tellin' me that she misses me soooooo much and can't wait to see me again.
Ok...well what the FUCK?!
I played along and kept things very simple. Very non-relationship like. I told her that she seems happy, seems impressed, and seems eager and that was nice to see. Told her in an offhand way that I was excited for her. Didn't really lead into just how much I'd have enjoyed seeing her too. Because now I was beyond confused. I had just lived the past several weeks under the guise that I was single again and she was done with me. Then this happens. Suddenly there I was, second guessing myself. And anyone that knows me knows that I FUCKIN' HATE THAT!
Grr and stuff...
No matter I thought to myself...maybe she's just playing me. Playing some game. Twisting me around like a sheet in the wind and watchin' me squirm. Well I didn't wanna give her the satisfaction. I played along as best I could and left it at that. I went back to the being single thing after that chat.
Until the next instant message came in. Only this one seemed far more excited than the last one. Again talkin' about how excited she is, and how she can't wait to see me. Now I was really startin' to feel ripped apart. Torn. Not only was I second guessing myself AGAIN but now I was hardcore into it. Now I was beginning to wonder if all this time I had it wrong, and there was just a serious miscommunication involved. I ended up being very mad at that point. I don't mind being wrong, and if I am I will admit it...but if I make a decision and take a stand based on evidence at my disposal, and it turns out that the evidence didn't support the facts...then I get mad because now I realize that I made the wrong stand.
Being wrong is one thing. Being wrong about critical matters (especially those of the heart) really fuck with people's minds and spirits.
I was no longer just playing along. I felt for the first time in weeks...a reconnection aspect. A re-bonding of sorts. She hadn't really been that far removed from my heart anyways, and the wounds were still fresh in their own right...so it wasn't completely unexpected. I was beginning to get just as excited as her, and this time I let her know it directly. Telling her that I too can't wait to get a chance to see her again...after all this time, and all the gaffes, maybe things were starting to go the direction they were suppoosed to all along.
And she gets to town. The day arrived. I was super excited. Left her messages and she was at the airport. Told her to have a good and safe flight, and call me when she had the chance. Then silence.
Yea, she went all quiet again. Wasn't online, wasn't answering her emails, and no calls or contact from her. Back to square one I thought to myself...she had played me was all I could think. So I waited. I didn't want to appear too eager afterall. Finally after almost 2 weeks in the City with no word from her, I sent her a message asking if she'd be around on the weekend 'cause I wanted to call her. She replied. Said to call anytime. Now I was excited again. Told her that I'd call and that I missed her.
I called. She didn't answer. I left a message and heard nothing back.
Torn didn't even begin to describe it now. I felt as though I was now being ripped in half...one part of me trying desperately to rid myself of her and leave her in the past...one part of me desperately clinging to hope...
In around this time I had a friend from Australia do a quick (and unsolicited) Tarot reading for me...she informed me that her and I would indeed get together again, and there would be magic involved, but there was an element of communication failures (well DUH) and some other things too...so it gave me a dose of optimism that wasn't there fully before. My Cards had told me similar though not near as detailed as her reading. So maybe I was just getting myself in over my head and making things up as I went along to try and provide my heart a reason to leave. Reading WAY too much into events and situations to try and help my heart move forward.
Then she called. She called me.
I'd like to say that it was a flowery and emotion filled conversation, but it wasn't. It was SO nice to be able to talk to her LIVE for more than just 5 minutes...but as excited as I was, I tempered it with restraint. I didn't wanna push. I didn't wanna start droppin' bombs on her. We talked for more than an hour and it was almost like we were back in 1997...talkin' away about all kinds of things, but that emotional barrier up between us. It was all I could do to stop myself from just breakin' down and telling her directly how much I still miss her, want to be with her, and how much I love her. If I bit my tongue any harder, it woulda been clean off.
She indicated that she would call again, and I agreed of course. I even sent her some info on a situation she wanted to research...just keeping it very docile for now. But inside, I'm dying because I know what I wanna say, and I know what I wanna do...but I feel so torn over this whole thing. Naturally, I'm leaning towards a situation where her and I would just pick up where we left off in 1997 and we'd be doing the friends thing all over again...that's where my head is at. The last friendly chat we had seeming a little too heavy on the friendly tone. My heart says one thing, and my head says another...
Torn. Yep. Livin' that life right now. More questions than answers. I guess the next little while will be very informative on just how my life with her (if any) is gonna unfold.
I pick the best times to be patient and curious don't I?
~sigh~
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