Torn apart...

So back on March 21st, I blogged about the situation between my girl and I.  Seems that things were spiralling outta control and I had it figured that her and I were about to implode.  I was so certain of it that I thought I had it all figured out.  All the pieces fit, and all the scenario portions played out as one would expect...

That was, until about 3 weeks ago or so.

Then it all changed.  And now here I am, all torn up about what to think and what to believe and askin' myself where I go from here?

See, as of that writing I was convinced we were done...or heading down that road and it was just a matter of gettin' the "final word" delivered.  I waited over the Easter weekend, when I knew she was in town, and no word came.  According to the email I sent her I explained that if she decided that I wasn't a priority to her and/or she didn't see me in her future, then don't bother calling or dropping by...silence would tell me everything I needed to know.  So very, VERY similar to when my ex fiancé split up with me.

I heard not a word.  Not a peep.  No email, no call, no nothing.  So I assumed that meant that we had imploded.

Having already braced myself for that possibility as I had done in the past, it came and it went with barely a whimper.  When the weekend and visit were done, and no word had come in, that was all I needed to know.  So I took it to mean we were finished.  There was obviously nothing more to say.  From that day forward, I lived a life in the belief that I was now back on the market and freshly dumped.

Some 6 or 7 weeks later, and I'm tellin' ya...right outta the blue...I get this instant message from her tellin' me how excited she is that she will be in town again permanently soon, and how eager she is to see me.  Tellin' me that she misses me soooooo much and can't wait to see me again.

Ok...well what the FUCK?!

I played along and kept things very simple.  Very non-relationship like.  I told her that she seems happy, seems impressed, and seems eager and that was nice to see.  Told her in an offhand way that I was excited for her.  Didn't really lead into just how much I'd have enjoyed seeing her too.  Because now I was beyond confused.  I had just lived the past several weeks under the guise that I was single again and she was done with me.  Then this happens.  Suddenly there I was, second guessing myself.  And anyone that knows me knows that I FUCKIN' HATE THAT!

Grr and stuff...

No matter I thought to myself...maybe she's just playing me.  Playing some game.  Twisting me around like a sheet in the wind and watchin' me squirm.  Well I didn't wanna give her the satisfaction.  I played along as best I could and left it at that.  I went back to the being single thing after that chat.

Until the next instant message came in.  Only this one seemed far more excited than the last one.  Again talkin' about how excited she is, and how she can't wait to see me.  Now I was really startin' to feel ripped apart.  Torn.  Not only was I second guessing myself AGAIN but now I was hardcore into it.  Now I was beginning to wonder if all this time I had it wrong, and there was just a serious miscommunication involved.  I ended up being very mad at that point.  I don't mind being wrong, and if I am I will admit it...but if I make a decision and take a stand based on evidence at my disposal, and it turns out that the evidence didn't support the facts...then I get mad because now I realize that I made the wrong stand.

Being wrong is one thing.  Being wrong about critical matters (especially those of the heart) really fuck with people's minds and spirits.

I was no longer just playing along.  I felt for the first time in weeks...a reconnection aspect.  A re-bonding of sorts.  She hadn't really been that far removed from my heart anyways, and the wounds were still fresh in their own right...so it wasn't completely unexpected.  I was beginning to get just as excited as her, and this time I let her know it directly.  Telling her that I too can't wait to get a chance to see her again...after all this time, and all the gaffes, maybe things were starting to go the direction they were suppoosed to all along.

And she gets to town.  The day arrived.  I was super excited.  Left her messages and she was at the airport.  Told her to have a good and safe flight, and call me when she had the chance.  Then silence.

Yea, she went all quiet again.  Wasn't online, wasn't answering her emails, and no calls or contact from her.  Back to square one I thought to myself...she had played me was all I could think.  So I waited.  I didn't want to appear too eager afterall.  Finally after almost 2 weeks in the City with no word from her, I sent her a message asking if she'd be around on the weekend 'cause I wanted to call her.  She replied.  Said to call anytime.  Now I was excited again.  Told her that I'd call and that I missed her.

I called.  She didn't answer.  I left a message and heard nothing back.

Torn didn't even begin to describe it now.  I felt as though I was now being ripped in half...one part of me trying desperately to rid myself of her and leave her in the past...one part of me desperately clinging to hope...

In around this time I had a friend from Australia do a quick (and unsolicited) Tarot reading for me...she informed me that her and I would indeed get together again, and there would be magic involved, but there was an element of communication failures (well DUH) and some other things too...so it gave me a dose of optimism that wasn't there fully before.  My Cards had told me similar though not near as detailed as her reading.  So maybe I was just getting myself in over my head and making things up as I went along to try and provide my heart a reason to leave.  Reading WAY too much into events and situations to try and help my heart move forward.

Then she called.  She called me.

I'd like to say that it was a flowery and emotion filled conversation, but it wasn't.  It was SO nice to be able to talk to her LIVE for more than just 5 minutes...but as excited as I was, I tempered it with restraint.  I didn't wanna push.  I didn't wanna start droppin' bombs on her.  We talked for more than an hour and it was almost like we were back in 1997...talkin' away about all kinds of things, but that emotional barrier up between us.  It was all I could do to stop myself from just breakin' down and telling her directly how much I still miss her, want to be with her, and how much I love her.  If I bit my tongue any harder, it woulda been clean off.

She indicated that she would call again, and I agreed of course.  I even sent her some info on a situation she wanted to research...just keeping it very docile for now.  But inside, I'm dying because I know what I wanna say, and I know what I wanna do...but I feel so torn over this whole thing.  Naturally, I'm leaning towards a situation where her and I would just pick up where we left off in 1997 and we'd be doing the friends thing all over again...that's where my head is at.  The last friendly chat we had seeming a little too heavy on the friendly tone.  My heart says one thing, and my head says another...

Torn.  Yep.  Livin' that life right now.  More questions than answers.  I guess the next little while will be very informative on just how my life with her (if any) is gonna unfold.

I pick the best times to be patient and curious don't I?

~sigh~

Fearless?

So this thought has been hangin' around in my head for a couple days now. Someone remarked that they saw a scrawl on a sidewalk that read "Only the fearless are harmless" I had to think about the logic behind it, and on paper I suppose one could argue that it seems plausible.

But I think it's a load of shit. Completely baseless. Like building a castle on quicksand.

It's "fortune cookie" logic at best.

So in essence, what it meant was, if you are without fear then you will never come to harm. You can't be harmed (by implied definition). Now tell me, who in their right mind would ever fall for a line of shit like that? I can almost expect to see a few head bobbers out there that like to parade around like they're all fearless and badass and stuff...but I can see right through you. You're all almost translucent. So you think that because you walk around all fearless that means you're bulletproof too? Invulnerable? Unbreakable?

Tell ya what...c'mere and meet me out back behind the woodshed...I'll put your invincibility, invulnerability and unbreakability to the test personally. I won't even bring the Louisville. I'll bet you every dollar I'll ever make in my life I WILL break you.

And you'll feel fear then. Trust me.

See, I've been dead twice already...clinically. So I've seen death first hand and no longer fear it the way most would. I would die for a purpose if needed and put myself in harm's way for a purpose...a point...another life perhaps. Is that because I'm invincible now? Nope. I've been there already and you haven't, so who has the most to lose when we meet behind the woodshed?

Me...or you?

So think about that.

As for me, does this mean *I* am fearless now? HELL NO. I may not fear death the way most do based on personal experience, but am I afraid of things? You're damn right I am. I'm afraid of a LOT of things. I can walk around with a shopping list of things I fear, and I'll probably find more things to fear as I walk around. Someone told me once that fear is just False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear they said, is fallacy. Fear they claimed, is all in the mind and can be overcome. Fear they said, prevents us from living our lives.

Yep...I hit the brakes right about there too.

Stops me from living my life now does it? Really? That's funny, 'cause the last time I checked I still didn't have a criminal record. Yea, I'll just cite that example. No criminal record to speak of. Never been arrested or charged or done a day in juvie or remand let alone jail. And WHY you ask?

Fear.

Whether it's a mugging, or a beating, or a drug deal, or a theft, or worse...FEAR of being caught and doing time for it is what prevented me, and will always prevent me from a criminal record. A criminal record harms you in ways you can't possibly imagine...a criminal record actually prevents you from living your life because you may not be able to get a great job, or you may be confined to your own province or country because now you're just another criminal and no one wants you in their jurisdiction. THAT prevents you from living.

My FEAR made me harmless. So that theory saying otherwise and the foundation it was built on...complete and utter bullshit and tripe.

EPIC FAIL.

And remember, that's just ONE example. See, fear keeps me from doing stupid things. Fear keeps me from making the same mistakes. Fear keeps my mind active as I seek out ways to improve my odds or situation. Fear keeps me grounded in reality where I belong.

Now don't get me wrong, there are truly some phenomenally irrational fears that people have that prevent them from living life to the fullest...I'll use one example of a fear of lawn gnomes. Yea, I couldn't believe it either. A buddy of mine told me a story about this literally crippling fear this guy he knew had over friggin' lawn gnomes. He'd practically have seizures if he was near them, so he thought it'd be funny to trap him in that aisle at a hardware store once. It's hard not to laugh like Hell when you imagine this "man" pitching a fit in an aisle full of lawn gnomes...but it's a fear he has. Irrational one? Indeed. But a fear nonetheless.

So yea, some fears can be irrational and not make any sense to the layman.

But I mean, when I sat down and thought about it...my fears are based on experiences more than anything. Some I've overcome, and others not so much...but there's never a shortage of them.

Wanna know some of them? I have nothing to hide, so I'll share them freely and give you a glimpse...

- fear of spiders
- fear of confined spaces
- fear of my own stupidity (think: me on the back of a motorbike at Mach 1 'cause it'd be "cool")
- fear of dying alone (think: no family or friends, SO's optional)
- fear of failure (and I mean ABJECT failure)
- fear of success (yea I scratched my head first time I heard that but it's true)
- fear of disability (think: missing limbs)
- fear of dementia
- fear of Alzheimer's
- fear of no bloodline (think: no kids to continue my bloodline)
- fear my kid(s) will be worse than me when I was growing up
- fear of loss (could be a friend or loved one, SO's included)
- fear of starvation
- fear of poverty (by my own hands or a greedy ex)
- fear of addictions (think: hardcore drugs or big boozin')
- fear of incapacity (yea no more bondage fun for yours truly)
- fear of losing a sense (like eyesight or hearing or speech etc)
- fear of heartache

These are just some of the things I fear. The list of course is exponentially longer, but you get the idea. I fear things. I welcome these fears. They prevent me from saying, or doing things that would lead to one of them or more of them being realized. Well...for the most part. But my fears are not shunned or shied away from. Nope...they are embraced and allowed to breathe. I could spend a good chunk of my life trying to combat them and beatin' them down until I am truly without fear...but then I would feel vacant and exposed to my own stupidity and lack of grounding. I'd be dead (again) likely within a matter of days if I ever quelled all my fears. Something I'd say or something I'd do would lead me to my own fitting end because I now thought that I was a man without fear.

Fuck that noise. I plan to live as long a life as I can, as damaged as I am. Allowing my fears to keep me from much further harm.

Now it has been suggested by a lot of those around me that I seem to live a life on the edge, and I take too many unneeded risks and such...lookin' before I leap...and it may very well be true in some cases...but those people are hopefully smart enough to know that even when I take a chance and take a risk that others may not...I still fear something about it all. I live a charmed life and I will never deny that...but everyone's luck runs out eventually. So what of the day that my luck runs out?

I hope that my fears are still there to get me the rest of the way.

I walked through the first part of my life thinkin' and pretendin' that I was fearless...I'm relieved that the box I compartmentalized that notion in fell apart and I evolved...allowing myself to touch and take hold of reality. I fear things. A lot of things. I will never be afraid to admit that.



Excuse me while I go check my lawn for shifty gnomes...they're sneaky little bastards...