So today was my last day in bondage. Yep, today was the last day of classes to learn how to be my own boss. Looking at it in words, it seems hard to comprehend the simplicity of it all, and yet at the same time, appreciate the complexity of it.
I once felt like I was shackled to “the system”, and had felt that way ever since I donned my first headset and found myself strapped to a tether while answering calls for help. An artificial constraint that prevented me from accomplishing what I knew I could do and what so many saw…but refused to take the initiative for myself. This is why I refer to the above as “bondage”. That’s how it felt. Now I know how dogs feel on a leash or tether…
And that’s really what it was. 6 years of being an animal chained to a tree. Always having the power and strength to simply snap the chain, but never taking the time or effort to do so. Like a panther that had been caged for so long that the eyes have glazed over and the killing instinct has all but faded. I had just accepted my fate to be “one of them”.
But that first set of chains did snap. And there I was running wild with the remainder still attached to my legs. I was able to roam free and try to get the instinct revved back up, but something was still pointing out that I had been domesticated. Something always kept me tied to my past. Something kept reminding me and others that I was once on a leash. Oh yea…those fuckin’ chains still around my leg.
And so today, those chains were finally removed. Through my own efforts and through the assistance of helpful wardens…they finally fell off.
And now I am back in the wild. Free and untamed. My instinct and ambition coming back to me in waves.
But hold on now…today I wanna go beyond a “just me” post. That’s right. Today I have to share what will go down in my books as one of the most powerful and moving experiences I have ever had in my 35 years on this planet. So moving in fact, that it was all I could do not to get emotionally unbalanced myself. And believe me when I say – that took a
Classes today were more about wrappin’ things up, pattin’ each other on the ass for a job well done, and of course presentations. We had to stand before a quasi “Dragon’s Den” of our instructors and our peers, and make a “pitch”. We had to lay it all out there, and see what 8 weeks of effort culminated in. And it took just one person to make the whole afternoon seem surreal and supercharged. She also happened to be the first person to stand before us all, and take the first set of slings and arrows. The “lamb before the lions”.
This was her second go at this course, as the first one didn’t work out due to complications and circumstance, but she came back and went through it all over again. That in itself was pretty telling in what kind of character she had. She’s got the affront, not unlike yours truly, of being very blasé about things and doesn’t let a whole lot bother her. She has an edge to her that could serve as an example to other females out there. I’m convinced that she may actually have bigger balls than all the males in the room combined. Even from the first day, I was fascinated with her outlook, her candor, and her way of thinking. She has an “I really don’t give a shit what you think” approach to things, and that mirrors my own philosophy as we all know…so it’s natural that like is drawn to like.
And the most intriguing part is that she is just a pup. She’s not even 20 yet. I’m almost twice her age.
When she walked to the front of the “Den”, and was gearing up to make her pitch, she seemed just as casual as she ever had been, and I mean…this is like the 4th or 5th time we’ve had to pitch our company. So this ain’t new to her or to us.
And it all started so well…
At the end, the most amazing thing happened that I never imagined would EVER happen in my lifetime…something so out of character from the impression she had given for the last 8 weeks…she had a word and a thought stick to the back of her throat, and you know what that leads to…tears. Admittedly, as soon as I “felt” it coming on, I held my breath and quietly prayed for her to hold it together. I knew this would be a difficult thing for anyone to have to face and accept…crying openly in front of what could be seen as a group of strangers. Sure, we spent the last 8 weeks together, but really…we’re all strangers to each other.
And as soon as I heard the crack in her voice, and watched as all the emotion raced to her face…I immediately bit down on my lip to prevent myself from joining in. See, just prior to this, we had been downstairs having a cigarette together as we often did, and we talked about the final day and where to from here and things like that, and I found myself telling her that I’m proud of her. Proud that someone her age still has the internal fortitude to live beyond the small and contrived confines of society and life…and live a dream. Proud that she wasn’t gonna accept a “living”, but instead wanted a “life”. Though female, it was like I was 19 again myself and I remembered almost immediately the one moment in my life when a quasi stranger said almost the same exact words to me…that he was proud of me for not wanting to accept what they offer as a “living”.
In a true “pay it forward” kinda way, I had now passed on to her what was passed on to me years ago. So one could understand how this was hard for me to not get emotionally tied in just a short while after saying this, and then watching her weep before the class.
Still, it will now be remembered as one of the defining moments of my life. Vicariously, through her own tears, I was finally able to shed some of my own for the words that had been said to me all those years ago. Finally, it all made sense. She represented the very best of what I expected from myself so long ago, and what I’d like to be able to expect from future generations. When she stood there, so vulnerable to not only herself, but to all of us…it was a truly remarkable experience and one that moved me deeply. This is why I had to share it here. It seemed benign, and she wept for her own reasons naturally…but such a powerful moment that was…I’ll never forget it. I see such good things for her. This is gonna be one “kid” that will stand head and shoulders above the rest…those ones that are content and satisfied to make a living outta hidin’ behind half truths, and deceit, and sloth…and blame everyone else for their shortcomings. The ones that will only ever make a living, but will never truly live.
And even as my turn came up, I was within a whisker of breaking down myself just thinkin’ about it all. To me, watchin’ her was like watchin’ myself so long ago and what I could’ve been but opted to ignore because of a self defeating fear of failure. And then me, now, and what I did become in the end. She is now, where I could’ve been…but where I ended up after it all. There was a beginning (her) and an end (myself). A stark parallel that I saw quickly and that was what almost reduced me to tears as well. Oh don’t worry, the “Den” caught me, and I’m sure they were waitin’ on it…but that ego driven “ID” of mine wouldn’t allow a newly unleashed animal to weep one tear.
They wouldn’t have compared to hers anyways. You really can only have one defining moment like that in a day. Askin’ for two or more woulda been pushin’ it…*laughs*
What started out as a very rocky road indeed, with the classes (as my blog will attest heh)…turned out to be on very rewarding and enriching experience for me. I bow to those that I met, and to those that I associated with, who helped me without ever knowing they did. Each one of them helped me in their own unique way, and I will be thankful for that. I have high hopes and broad aspirations for each of them, and some I suspect will be scaling mountaintops in no time, with the world as their oyster.
And in 1 month, I’ll get to see where everyone is in their journey, including myself. I can’t wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment