"And the sign says..."

~sigh~

As I sit here and write this, there are just 6 days left in my classes.  March 12, 2009 is officially my last day "in class".  7 weeks have passed since I started down this road to my self employment, and it's all starting to hit me.  And hit me HARD.

I wanna say it's all bad, I really do...but it's not all bad.  There's a lotta good that comes with this feeling I just felt as I woke up this morning.

It was in all ways, a reality check.

I mean, just 7 weeks ago (seems so long and yet went by so fast) I was settling in to my new role as entrepreneur-in-training.  Books in hand...ready to do this thing.  Real life scratching away at my door in the meantime.  Bills.  Debts.  Negative cash flow.  8 looming weeks of hard study.

7 weeks later, nearly at the end of this first stage...I feel ill.

I think it coulda been worse for me, since I'm still battling demons...but in a grand fashion of "right place, right time", a newly acquired friend sent something to me that made me stop for a moment.  She sends me her poetry.  Free verse mostly, and some of it is quite good.  So while this wasn't really anything new, it was what hit my inbox that made me stop long enough to breathe and perhaps diminish the impact of what I felt this morning.

I won't post what was written, 'cause I have no permission to do so...but the gist of it was simple - it was all about perspective.  The ability to look at a situation and say, "Wow man I'm in so much shit...I'm at the end of my rope here...", but then to see a situation that makes you say, "Wow, I'm glad that's not me.  That's so much worse."

Perspective.  The ability to step back and see things for what they are.

Up until now, I have run myself ragged and at great expense.  I have sacrificed my health, my finances, my sleep, my appetite, my time...all in the quest of a greater goal.  I have burned the candle at both ends, and also in the middle.  While working towards something great, I can look back and see the carnage that lay just behind me to get me here.  I look back and see a cavalcade of wheelin' and dealin', and "robbin' Peter to pay Paul" type scenarios to get me here...I look in the mirror in disgust at what looks back at me...the gaunt figure that still resembles me, but is really no longer me.  I hear the phone ring and freeze up in anxiety attacks thinkin', "Okay, so which collector is it this time?"  I scramble as it is, right now, wondering how the fuck I'm gonna make rent today...

Perspective.  The sign says "Reality Check Ahead".

My world is crumbling all around me, and clearly visible to all that see it.  However, I am still here.  I am still breathing.  I am not infirm.  I'm not living out of a box (yet).  I haven't been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  I haven't had my home foreclosed on.  I wasn't laid off "at the worst possible time".  I haven't had to attend, or participate in any funerals in as long as I can remember.  I have family and friends trying to keep me standing upright.  I have the love of a woman to put a smile on my face and provide me the inspiration I need to move ahead...

Perspective.  My life is a mess, but Jesus H Christ...it could be 10 times worse.

And so the panic diminishes.

So, with just less than one week til I'm done and they kick me outta the nest that is my class...I need to step back and see this from a perspective.  Despite so many things working against me, and namely myself working so hard to undermine my own efforts...I have a lot to look forward to.  I NEED to keep that in mind.  My "Time Jar" has a lot of big stones in it, so I need to address those first.

It seems that all my recent efforts have a counter balance to them.  The chief one (for now) seems to be the same one that 99% of my classmates have...I have an idea for a business that can most certainly make a profit...but how am I gonna finance this pig?  So I need to start there.  I finished my 2nd draft of my company's financial expectations (we call it crystal-balling) for the next 3 years.  It has underwent some alterations, but no matter how hard I try, there is no way I can find to NOT make money.  I suppose a lot could be said about not even trying, or a lack of clients would see me making no profit...but when I look at what the expectations are that I set out for my company (15 clients a year, adding a new 15 each year for a total of 45 by Year 3), this doesn't seem a stretch.

Projections for the company are for it to see a steady client base, added to each year, with a gain of near $1M in savings for the company at the end of Year 3.  To the casual observer, they see that as a pipe dream...but in reality, it's anything but.  The market we are currently in will stabilize itself in time.  3 years to balance itself out isn't over-anticipation either.  I'd be more apt to say things will balance out in 2 years.

So how do I finance this pig?  That's the big stone I need to deal with now.  Beyond the bill collectors, the debt, and the ill health that I've caused myself...my answer lies in the work I'll be doing for the company I created out of nothing...and once that gets accomplished, the rest ties itself off as a result.  So I need to polish the Hell out of my business plan enough to make it so that investors will take a look and nearly hump the table trying to get in on the ground floor of my company.  Can it be done?  Yep.  Even with diminished results, and coming in below forecast...ROI (return on investment) for any investor will still be well over 80% in 3 years.  That in itself is enough to make even the hardest of hardcore investors crack a smile.

My health can come back to me.  My bills can be paid.  My time can be budgeted accordingly.  My appetite can be reestablished.  My sleep will take care of itself.  I just need that first step.

As my time winds down, more sacrifices will need to be made.  More wheelin' and dealin' to keep my head above water.  But it's all about how I deliver the effort.  To me, it's all about the end result right now.  The one thing that will accomplish all things.  Knock that off, and the rest falls into place.  Then I just grab the next big stone in my "Time Jar" and run with it.  Once those stones are gone...it's just the "little things" I'll need to task myself for.

Perspective.

That's what it's all about.  Opportunity has presented itself, and though my world seems a little darker than it should be...it's not without any light at all.  I just need to shine that light on the rest of my world.

Because it could be worse.