So even though my 2008 year turned to shit in my hands, I kept reminding myself that there would always be other components of my life overall that were "right" or "good". My sweetheart is right up there at the top as one of those "good" and "right" things that kept it all in perspective for me. When my chips were down, she encouraged me to keep fighting the good fight, and even went as far as to tell me that she was proud of me. That alone by itself is exceptional. Add her love to all that, and it was the life preserver I needed to keep me from drownin' in my own pool of hatred and self loathing.
Though other components of my life were reasonably "good" and "right" in 2008 despite all other obstacles and battles, this blog entry is just about her. hehe
Indeed I can say without any doubt that just the thought of her in my life was sometimes enough to get me through some dark times, and feelings of despair. I can imagine her right now, sittin' at home or off at work doin' her thing, just being her...it's really all I have to work with seeing as how she's clear across Canada right now *laughs*. Same place she's been since her and I reconnected back in late 2007.
Yes, there's a story there. I'm gettin' to it.
Melanie, or "Cloud" as we nicknamed her years ago, is clear across Canada. Yep, that means that against my vow to never again get involved in a long distance relationship, that's exactly what I willingly plunged myself back into with her. I had reasons to turn my back on my vow though, and to make that exception for her. Honestly and admittedly, had she been anyone else, I woulda stood firm behind my vow 100%...she got the exception to the clause for several good reasons.
The first being that her and I knew each other years ago. Some 15+ years ago actually. So she's by no means "someone new" in my life, and someone I'd have to get to know from the ground up. Another reason, and the one I acknowledge more than any else before it or after it, is that I don't believe in coincidence, I believe in Fate...through a series of events and circumstances that all fell into place one after another, we happened back into each other's lives after so long apart. Had it not been for those circumstances that no one saw coming, we'd have likely gone another decade or longer without running into each other again. I believe more than anything, that Fate had plans for me, and though I thought I was on the right track years ago, I was to be corrected, and put back where I belong...with her.
Oh, and I can't fail to mention that she's drop dead gorgeous! Heh...
She actually reminds me a great deal of Anne Hathaway, and that's something I've mentioned to her on occasion, and had a few people remark on as well. For those that live in a cave, below is a pic of Anne Hathaway to get some idea of my sweetie's remarkable beauty:
So yea, those are a few of the many reasons why I turned my back on my vows, and offered myself an exception to the rule. She has her own dedication page up on my website, so I won't bother repeating myself for what it's worth, but I'm comfortable speaking about her here just a bit more.
When we reconnected back in 2007, I had high hopes for 2008 and the possibilities that could be presented to us. The practical side of my "Twins" was tellin' me that I needed to ground myself in reality, and that really all I was doing was livin' some manner of deep seeded fantasy by allowing myself to indulge in thoughts of her and I as a couple...while the idealist side of my "Twins" was tellin' me that there are no such things as coincidences, and Fate had tossed us back into the ring together for a reason, so accept that for what it was. I've used the term "civil war" to describe this internal battle that wages on daily, and I dare say I'm not too far from the mark.
My family and friends...my "people" have all supported me for my diligence, but have all at least once remarked that maybe I need to let go of the dream, and settle for something closer to home. Someone that ain't 3500KM away presently. I'm fairly sure that even her and I have asked ourselves the same questions, about whether or not we should just accept that our distance as it is will represent the "N variable" that will keep us from being together...but speaking only for myself, those thoughts didn't last but mere moments if anything. Sure it could be considered easier if I looked closer to home for someone to settle down with, but she hasn't given up on me so why would I give up on her? Why would I give up on us? Easier, as I've learned, doesn't always mean "better".
Distance is just that...distance. It's nothing so insurmountable that it can't be overcome in time, and with a lot of planning and work. This is what I have told all the skeptics when they are told of my current situation, and of course my love life (when I'm queried about it). I just tell them that I appreciate their genuine concern for my overall "well being", but I have no plans, immediate or otherwise to let this all go just because of something as benign as distance. Besides, I already know "Murphy" and his "Law" only too well to think for even a moment that I'd be better off lettin' go and settling for someone closer to home. Just 'cause I could find that person within my own City limits, doesn't translate into assured success or "greener pastures". Possible obviously, and without question...but why would I walk away from a love I want more than anything for a second time?
Yea, I said second time. Long have I loved her and had to bury those feelings for "practical" reasons. I'd say that I've loved her pretty much since we met (some 15 years ago). Couldn't say or do anything about it then, but have a second chance to say and do something about it now. All because Fate intervened and put right what I played with, and twisted to suit my own design. As corny and overused as it may sound, I am convinced that her and I were meant to be, and though I cheated Fate once, They caught up to me and set things right that I had manipulated...putting Melanie back in my life, and me back in her life.
She is without question, one of the few glowing highlites of an otherwise abysmal 2008. The conversations we had, the things we said, the "plans" we made and talked openly about...all providing me with fuel to keep going on and forward. "Cloud" IS my silver lining. Without any real shock, my desire to be with her once and for all was one of the heaviest catalysts behind my recent decision to take matters into my own hands and start my own business. Oh, don't get me wrong - I'll be the first to admit that I'm doing this for ME irrespective of any else...but a life with her weighs in heavily just the same. I figure if we are to live out any of the "plans" we talked about, that's going to require a lot more than just our love for one another. It'll require communication, commitment, work and perseverance, and of course the "means to an end". If I expect myself to feel like any sort of contributor to a relationship that'll last, my words and gestures alone won't fill the bill...I'll need resources to accomplish that. If I resign myself to being a bootlicking wage-slave to some other company, I fail not only myself but I fail her, and I fail us and our "plans".
I've had discussions with her about my intentions to bring us together. How I want to be her husband. How I want to be a Father to our own children some day. How I want to be a friend to her child and someone she can look up to as she grows up. How I want her to be shown the love and respect that she's long been denied. How much I want her and I to be examples to our family. To once and for all prove beyond doubt that happiness ain't "for everyone else".
In my mind, wanting to bring our "plans" to life, and put into action is all the motivation I require. If I was thinkin' of her as a mere passing fancy, I'd just go back to being the bootlicker and be done with it. That ain't good enough for me though, if I want to be with her full time, and I know it only too well. The thought of any of our "plans" coming to see light is strong motivation for me to succeed. The thought of her and I together is going to be a powerful force for me to keep me upright as I start this new phase of my life. I walk forward with the impression that distance will soon become a non-issue, as success is forged with each new day ahead of me. I'll use each success as a stepping stone between us that will eventually see a path leading her directly into my waiting arms.
My practical "Twin" will just have to find a way to come to grips with that. Heh.
***JFF*** Just for fun, I messed around with Photoshop, and I thought I'd use the image to play a little game with any readers. Below, you'll see a side by side of smiles. Try to guess which ones belong to Anne Hathaway, and which one belongs to my sweetheart:
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